You're Talented, But You Can't Do That

“I turned my ex-husband gay” was a post I recently read by a woman on Facebook. Other people chimed in that she was too much of a woman for him. Then another woman said she turned her ex-husband gay, too.

I responded by saying something like, “You’ve got many wonderful qualities, but turning someone gay is not one of them. You’re talented, but you can’t do that.”

So how does this happen? A person gets married, maybe has some kids, and then gets a painful divorce and winds up with a same-sex partner. I believe this is rooted in a number of causes. Perhaps the most important is the negative messages a young person hears when they are growing up.

Ten percent of all humans engage in homosexual behavior. That’s a lot of people! In a class of thirty students, at least three kids are experimenting with LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning) behavior. Perhaps the most common insult heard on the school playground is “That’s so gay!” What does a young person who is starting to realize they are not fitting into 90 percent of the population make of this? If we couple that with messages within their family of origin, and religious institutions, the child could really be getting the idea that they better do whatever it takes to fit in, and not be different.

Suicide by LGBT youth is one of the unfortunate side effects of growing up like this, along with significant bullying that can include threats to physical safety. The Trevor Project was started to help prevent suicides of LGBT youth. The project took off after a short comedy/drama video about a 13 year old gay boy named Trevor aired on HBO. The primary focus of The Trevor Project is 24/7 phone counseling for youth who call The Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386.

In my time as a hotline crisis counselor at San Francisco Suicide Prevention, I took a number of calls from youth on The Trevor Line which we also answered. Too often they had been forced out of their families and were living on the streets, vulnerable and alone. When I was in my early 20s, my roommate and I took in a 15-year-old boy who had been kicked out of his family in a small Texas town for being gay. He had lied about his age so he could get a job, and was working to support himself and rent a room. He had lived on his own since the age of 14 when his father, who was the police chief and deeply ashamed of having a gay son, banished him. When he lost his job due to the age falsification being discovered, he was at risk of becoming homeless. This kid was charming, sweet, funny and a gifted entertainer. I heard he went on to perform with the Boylesque Review which was just starting in Las Vegas at the time.

As the recognition of bullying LGBTQ youth has heightened due to a number of tragic suicides, the It Gets Better Project  started which features many adults who have recorded messages to teens struggling with issues of sexual and gender identity as a way to bring hope into their lives. My favorite video is by Sister Unity Divine who is part of The Los Angeles Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. This group of drag entertainers strives to bring awareness of diversity and spirituality to the community.

A couple of years ago I was delightedly surprised when my son came home sporting a rainbow pin on his t-shirt. I asked about it, and he told me he had joined the Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) at to lend support to LGBTQ kids and help stop bullying. The website states “The Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) brings together LGBTQ and straight students to support each other, provide a safe place to socialize, and create a platform for activism to fight homophobia and transphobia.”  

I was really happy to see our local high school taking steps to support Coastside kids in this way, and say “Kudos!” to teacher Jim Barnes for serving as the club’s advisor.

And to all those who think homosexual behavior is unnatural? You couldn’t be further from the truth. It spans the animal kingdom and appears to help further the species in a variety of ways, but particularly by insuring success of the young. It has been recorded in over 1000 species of animals. On a large list of mammals, birds, fish, reptiles, amphibians and insects that engage in same sex unions, some of my favorite surprise animals are giraffes, lions, penguins, dolphins, salmon, garter snakes, salamanders and Monarch butterflies.

On June 24, 2011 the State of New York made same sex marriage unions legal. In an op-ed New York Times piece by gay author Frank Bruni, he states, “We’re not trying to undermine the institution of marriage, a task ably handled by the likes of Tiger Woods, Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Edwards and too many other onetime role models to mention. We’re paying it an enormous compliment.”

I work as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and marriage/divorce counseling is a common reason people seek services. Around half of all heterosexual marriages end in divorce. Yet here is a segment of our society who longs to be able to marry, and puts that 50 percent to shame. The first same-sex couple married in San Francisco was Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin, partners of fifty years. Some of those divorce statistics were created by people who were raised in a way that made them ashamed of their sexuality, and caused them to try to embrace the 90 percent societal norm.

Imagine how different life would be for a child if they were told by society that our job as humans is to love and respect others. Period. What if we communicated to them that they are free to love another human being regardless of the color of their skin, their ethnic or religious background, and their gender?

The choice to differ from the norm will never be an easy one to make. It’s our job as adults to help our kids become authentic loving, respectful human beings who can make difficult decisions thoughtfully and with support of those who love them.

You can’t turn another person gay. But you can support, respect and love them as they discover who they are.