Preparing for Holiday visits? It Doesn't Have to be Stressful

By Thomas C. Lian, M.D., Scripps Health

It’s the time of year when we are bombarded with television ads and heartwarming movies suggesting that the holidays are all about gathering with loved ones for joyful celebrations filled with laughter and harmony.

In the real world, however, holidays with family members may be more stressful than festive. Even the most loving families have their ongoing arguments and personality clashes, and these tend to be heightened during the holidays. Often, the same problems seem to arise year after year. If you find yourself dreading your family get-togethers, the following tips may help you worry less and enjoy more.

1. Prepare yourself—and your attitude. Instead of feeling anxious or defensive, focus on feeling calm. Before you go, do something relaxing that puts you in a good mood, such as taking a warm bath, doing yoga, or listening to your favorite music.

2. Set realistic expectations. If your family holidays have a history of conflict, don’t expect that this year will be different for some reason, or that the people who irritate you might have changed since last year. Accept that there will likely be some conflict, but focus instead on interacting with people whom you enjoy.

3. Avoid potentially upsetting topics. Politics and religion are obvious, but too often people bring up subjects without realizing how they affect others. You may truly care about the person and want the best for him or her, but avoid questions such as, “When are you ever going to get married/have children/buy a house?” Keep questions general and open-ended; ask about vacation plans, family activities, or simply what’s new.

4. Accept that you can’t control others’ actions, but you can monitor and modify your own reactions. No one can force you to engage in a negative conversation. Choose instead to not react at all. Simply say, “Let’s not get into that now.” Then change the topic. If he or she persists, excuse yourself and walk away.

5. If you drink alcohol, do so in moderation. While alcohol may help some people relax and loosen up, it makes others more belligerent, irritable or combative. Know how it affects you and act accordingly. Avoid people who have over-imbibed (and make sure they don’t drive).

6. Plan activities that diffuse conflict. It’s more difficult for people to argue when they’re engrossed in an activity that requires concentration, physical activity, or laughter. Play a board game, toss a football around, go for a walk, or watch a funny holiday movie.

7. Focus on being grateful. Be thankful that you have a warm place to be for the holidays with plenty of food. Appreciate that you are healthy enough to enjoy it. Be grateful for a slice of pumpkin pie or a hug from a loved one. This helps you keep the annoyances in perspective.

8. Practice tolerance. Yes, your sister drives you crazy with her long, “all about me” stories that contain every insignificant detail she can include. Listen politely anyway. You probably do things that irritate others too.

9. Bring along something that makes you happy such as a photo of your dog, a funny text from a friend, or any memento you can keep in your pocket. When things get too stressful, take a look at it and let it help calm you down.

10. Breathe. If you can’t physically leave a stressful situation, you can always take a moment to “check out” and focus on your breathing. Take five slow, deep breaths, focusing on breathing in and out. Even this short break can have a powerful effect on stress, anger and anxiety.

Thomas C. Lian, M.D., is a psychiatrist and behavioral health medical director with Scripps Health. For more information or a physician referral, call 1-800-SCRIPPS