Finding the Balance Between Too Much and Too Little Self-Esteem

“Self-esteem” was a huge buzzword back in the late 80’s and 90’s and parenting advice everywhere talked about lifting children’s self-esteem as the right thing to do.

The experts said high self-esteem led to high achievements in school, relationships, sports and more. Low self-esteem led to substance abuse, poor school performance, and crime. The need for high self-esteem carried into the classroom with teachers using high self-esteem as a method instead of an outcome.

New research suggests more may not be better. New analyses are showing the opposite from the 80’s and 90’s. While self-esteem is important, high self-esteem can lead to problems including narcissism (excessive self-love), bullying, increased drug and alcohol use and more teenage sex. Low self-esteem doesn’t lead to as many risky behaviors as previously thought.

Kathy agrees a healthy dose of self worth is good for children, however, our generation might have gone a bit too far.

“There’s a difference between having self-esteem and having a superiority complex,” she said.

She thinks we put too much emphasis on being model thin, looking perfect, being “popular”, excelling in athletics, having the most expensive clothes, etc. instead of being honest, being kind, having a solid work ethic, working to their potential, loving their imperfections, etc.

“It’s a tightrope walk trying to keep our kids’ self-esteem in check with so much outside influence telling them what makes them worthy.”

Donna agrees our generation has gone too far. She feels so much has changed.

“We were not the center of our parents’ universe,” said Donna. “We were not run to multiple activities. You were expected to do school work without parent involvement. Today our kids are the center of our universe.”

Donna feels they receive awards for everything and celebrate every milestone with big acknowledgments. She also said this generation appears to have a lot of self confidence but she has noticed once kids leave high school and they don’t have their cushion of friends with them they can’t seem to handle the pressures of doing things on their own.

“Many of my daughter’s friends have been experiencing panic attacks and depression. I have never seen more kids having difficulty in the real world.”

She doesn’t think we are doing our kids any favors.

“This generation of kids has been coddled and will be a generation of disappointed adults.”

This has been in fact the generation of awards and trophies, downplaying grades, praising children for minimal effort, and practices such as using neutral-colored markers instead of red. The question that remains is if this has helped self-esteem. It certainly has not made students less competitive when it comes to grades. I have witnessed the almost cut throat attitudes of high school students competing for top spots in their class. Tell those students that grades are not important! Colleges are more competitive than ever now.

Amy’s children are young and she wants them to be confident in themselves but not grow up thinking they are better than everyone else.

“I do think it’s hard to decide what too much self-esteem is or going overboard with it.”

She also thinks there is too much emphasis in media to have a perfect body, hair, etc. and kids need to learn how to value themselves and their bodies the right way and as a result be more confident.

Nikki feels very strongly about this subject. She feels the trend to lift everyone up equally, regardless of merit and avoiding hurt feelings at all costs promotes laziness rather than hard work.

Nikki is from Texas and saw the shift in the schools between her two older kids and two younger kids.

Nikki had such great words to contribute, her feedback is below in its entirety:

“When my older children were in elementary school, there would be an award ceremony at the end of each semester. Children were individually recognized for reaching certain academic goals (A honor roll, B honor roll… etc). The children who did not receive an award watched and cheered on their friends. There were occasions when my children didn’t receive recognition, but they were happy for their friends that did. Of course, they did want that recognition and it encouraged them to work harder the next semester. This is the way life is, those that work hard and focus on goals reap the benefits, whether it be an A Honor Roll ribbon, acceptance into your first choice college or a promotion and raise at work.”

She continued, “When my younger children attended elementary school they no longer had these ceremonies, the school administration felt that some children were getting their feelings hurt by not being recognized. It seems it was at this point that the coddling ensued in full force. Teachers gave out A’s to the undeserving. Coaches gave out trophies just for showing up, and were forced to play everyone on the team for specific amounts of time. Competition was frowned upon and practice and hard work had no advantage. At a Houston area teacher training session, teachers were warned of the evils of red ink and told to use another color to grade papers. The red ink was said to be symbolic of wrong answers and had a negative impact on students.”

“While a genuine feeling of self worth builds confidence, fuels independence and develops self respect, a false sense of self-esteem can and does have a negative impact. It can be a very shocking blow when these children go out into the world and realize that they may not be as great as they were led to believe. An easy example of this is, “American Idol” auditions. As amusing as it is at times, it is also very sad - many of these contestants truly believe they can sing, because, they were told they could - they were stroked and encouraged to the point they believed it. A more personal example of this is, my daughter’s college application process - counselors and teachers praised her drive and ambition, sprinkled her with awards and honors and encouraged her to apply to schools with the best and brightest students. Imagine her surprise at how fast and furious those rejection letters can come! Fortunately, she took a more realistic approach to the application process and applied to a variety of schools, most of which she was very proud to be accepted to.”

“Parenting these days is a careful balance of encouraging children to try new things and teaching that the benefits of practice and hard work does not come without constructive criticism and setbacks. The trophy case at my house is filled with “participation” trophies, but the front row is reserved for the trophies they have earned - and these are the ones they are most proud of. Not because they are bigger and cooler and say "1st place", it's actually not even the "trophy" that they find fulfilling - it is the "symbol", a reminder of the practice, hard work and dedication that they put forth to accomplish a goal.”

Child development expert Allan Josephson, MD says it has become clear that while a lack of nurturing can lead to low self-esteem, too much nurturing can also create problems. Overvalued children he says depend on outside praise to feel good and when that praise is not there such as when a child heads off to college, low self-esteem can come crashing in because there’s no strong internal sense of worth.  

A lot of these findings can be tough on teachers. Most know they can’t shelter children from failure and are working more on teaching their students that achievement is directly related to effort. Unfortunately they are working with children who have been raised in a self-esteem society. Kids who feel they are the most important person in the room often are the most disruptive.

Rick Weissbourd, who teaches at Harvard Graduate School of Education stresses to his education students that the key is to get kids to develop a sense of self-efficacy, along with real competencies and skills. Self-esteem will automatically follow. He feels that more important than self-esteem is a child’s maturity, or the ability to be aware of other people. He recommends teachers reward students’ social successes, such as helping their peers, being good community members and listening. Through these actions improved self- esteem results and improved behavior.  

Josephson has some suggestions for parents as well. He says parents should try to strike a healthy balance.

• Help your children  master the tasks associated with, and only with, each developmental stage from infancy through young adulthood.
• Teach young children to control their impulses and respect the rights of others.
• Reward and applaud true accomplishments; praising every little thing may lead to a constant need for praise.
• Set limits and stick to them, explaining why a specific action or behavior has a specific consequence.
• Help teens develop autonomy; do not coddle or overprotect them. You’ll do it a their expense.