Speaking Badly of Others Only Reveals Bad Within Ourselves

Have you ever read the Oprah Magazine and seen the section she calls, "Things I Know For Sure?" It's essentially a place where she can bestow upon us readers the things she's learned over the years. Much she's learned through trial and error and wants us to know so that we can go forth and not make the same mistakes.

I have one such nugget of wisdom for you today.

I know for sure: when you talk about other people, you are really just talking about yourself.

Are you telling someone about how your boss is a real jerk? In reality, you're talking about your lack of patience and understanding.

Are you gossiping to one friend about another friend who gets under your skin?  What you're really doing is telling the one friend that she can't trust you not to talk about her too.

Are you bragging about your husband and how he worships the ground you walk on? It speaks volumes about your insecurities. Or are you talking about his shortcomings? You're lack of integrity is showing.

I'm TOTALLY guilty of this. My love of talk (and writing) has presented me with my share of pickles.  Be ye not as stupid as I! I've learned this lesson the hard way and now I try to speak only good things (with the occasional slip up — nobody's perfect).

I'm learning to keep my mouth shut unless it's truly out of kindness and reverence.  So when I talk about people, I want it to be in a good way.

For example, I have a friend named Maria who just happens to be one of the best mother's I've ever known. Every time I'm with her, I admire the way she teaches her children. There are a lot of great moms out there — but let me tell you — she stands out.  It has nothing to do with a clean house or well behaved kids or all the things we come to associate with what it looks like to be a great mom although she's a star at those things too.

It has to do with things like supporting her kids to be their authentic selves without interjecting herself into the equation. Things  like being honest about her flaws. She can also perform her version of "the miracle of the oil" by taking two drops of patience and making them last for what seems like an inhumanely possible amount of time.  She makes me want to be a better mom.  If I said this to her, she'd turn it right back on me and say something like, " thanks but...YOU'RE the great mom!" And she'd mean it.  Can you tell that I admire her humility as well?

I have another friend, Jessica who loves God in a quiet yet fierce sort of way that makes me stand in awe. If you handed Jessica a little money so she could join you on a trip to Timbuktu to help one child and you promised her that she's burn in 104 degree weather for days on end and get eaten by mosquitoes the size of ostriches, she's go with you. For that chance to help just one person. 

If she's reading this she's thinking that she'd love those things but is too scared to do them. I acknowledge her fears although I would also point out that she has a long history of laying down her life for the people she loves. She will live in two places at once, she will endure hardships and never complain about them.

She will do the most unselfish things and not only be OK with them, she'll thank God for the opportunity and ask what more she can do to help. Every time Jessica and I get together, she talks about things she'd like to improve about herself.  She doesn't do this in a self-bashing kind of way, but rather like she's simply making a house-cleaning checklist of things that need to get done. 

"I need to be braver. I need to be more patient." And every time she does this, she inadvertently makes me remember that I need to improve on those things too.  Kind of like how it never occurs to you to vacuum your mattresses until someone tells you that they just vacuumed theirs and you go, "oh yeah...I guess I need to be doing that, too!"

This is how I want to speak of the people in my life. Granted it's a challenge to to this with some of those people that (how shall I put this in a loving way?) are challenging. In those times I suppose the best thing to do is to take my mother's advice and say nothing if I don't have anything nice to say.

When I speak I want people to know that I choose to focus on the good in others.  Only because I acknowledge my own flaws and am learning to be be teachable and reverant.

What do you want people to know about you when you speak?

Read more from Alicia at America's Next Top Mommy