14 Sep 2014
57° Partly Cloudy
Patch Instagram photo by toriesfitness_ct
Patch Instagram photo by toriesfitness_ct

An Open Letter to Mother Nature

In which the Candy Ninja takes Ms. Stinky McStinkface to task for her negative attitude in late October.

An Open Letter to Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature:

Not cool.

Not. Cool. At. All.

Look, I defend you.

Indeed, I’m against global warming and I’m for saving the whales. I like things that are green and I don’t like forest fires. I’m pals with your friend Smokey Bear. I've never engaged in, nor have I ever endorsed, fracking.

So why you gotta be hatin’ on Halloween?

Hey, Halloween is my Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan and Kwanzaa wrapped into one. ZOMG, I loves me some Halloween.

It’s the best holiday ever. Name another day when dressing up as Yoda and demanding candy from neighbors it isn’t just socially acceptable but ENCOURAGED.

I can assure you from first-hand experience that, if such behavior is exhibited on any other day than Oct. 31, then you are going to have a little chat with law enforcement and/or a psychologist.

Halloween is such a cool day that, no lie, I once asked my mother why they don’t have more than just once a year.

God bless that woman, she gave me a look that only a mother could — the “my goodness, my son is a total idiot, but I have to love him with all my soul anyway” look — and said, “Because that’s just the way it is, sweetie.”

From my point of view, adults didn’t know what they were missing.

“You’ll understand someday,” mom said.

Well, someday is today and guess what? I still don’t get why we don’t have Halloween, like, every day. Imagine — in the John Lennon kind of way — what life would be like if, say, once a week, we all dressed up in silly costumes and went door to door and gave each other bite-size Snickers and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

While I’m not naive to think that we would achieve world peace, I’m fairly certain we would come closer than we ever have toward getting there.

Which brings me back to you, Mother Nature.

Did someone not invite you to a totally rippin’ Halloween Party? Did the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and Jack Frost have a group costume that excluded you? Or do you think it’s OK to dress up as a nor’easter and a devastating hurricane? Whatever. There is no reason to be so hateful toward Halloween.

This is the second year in a row that you’ve effectively thrown a big ole wet blanket — (evidently your wet blankets are accompanied by 100 mph winds and massive power outages) — on my favorite day in vast swaths of our great state.

And I’d like some answers.

Mom died before she ever saw this version of me.

I’m guessing that both you, Mother Nature, and my mother — two moms whom I adore — are looking down on me.

Only by my demanding answers from you Mother Nature, my mother is still giving me that loving look and thinking, “My goodness, my son is an idiot, but I love him with all my soul anyway.”

So, in exchange for a response, Mother Nature, how about you dress up as a nice aurora borealis or rainbow or something?


Very truly yours,

The Candy Ninja

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