Empty Nester in Training

This wasn’t supposed to happen yet.  My son is only 16.  Yet, I come home to a quiet, empty, 10-room colonial house five days a week.

I stopped exercising and making balanced dinners – replacing them warmed up cans of soup, or a sandwich made with peanut butter or deli meats/cheeses – because it’s just me.  I am just now changing my ways back to including fruits and vegetables with a protein and carbohydrate.

My Nerf-gun, Bionicle/Lego lover is working as a camp counselor in a nearby town this summer and I am very proud of him.  He is compassionate, sincere, and well liked. 

This confident child of mine comes home with his dirty laundry on Friday evenings, which he washes and dries himself.  Initially amused, I thought, “Just like a college student.”

Standing five feet, ten inches, he suddenly seems more mature and grown up.  Perhaps, that’s because he knows what it’s like to work a full-time job, or because he is in a leadership position. I reason that this teaches him a work ethic, and besides, he loves it.

It slowly dawns on me that my son is experiencing life without his mother around.  A small part of me thinks I am not needed anymore.  A bigger part knows I’ll always be needed.  But differently.  We all need our mothers, right?  I know this is when one’s strong sense of self is crucial. 

Surrounded by people day and night during the week, I’ve learned my son needs his space on Friday nights.  Where did the time go?  It seemed like yesterday, he was a toddler splashing in every puddle he could find when it rained and sitting on my lap while we devoured his favorite preschool books - pressing buttons to hear sounds and opening windows to see the surprises inside. 

I also treasure the memories of doing these things with my daughter who is six years older than her brother. When she grew past babyhood, I didn’t mourn the passing of time like I am now. Maybe that’s because I was so busy helping her with homework, planning play dates, washing/drying laundry, cooking meals, and scheduling doctors’ appointments. 

Now, my 21-year-old daughter has a job and her own apartment. I am grateful that she lives in the same town, so I can occasionally see her – not that she is going to take any of the tactful advice I offer.  I know I didn’t when I was her age.

I look forward to the weekends this summer – Saturday really.  That’s the day there’s room for me in my son’s life.  I delight in the fact that he is still a child, or at least, he isn’t all grown up yet.  We have fun visiting Ocean Beach in New London -  taking photographs, playing video/pinball machines, and walking on the boardwalk.  In mid-July, we went shopping for some school clothes and shared a chicken grinder. 

“What you describe is your attempt to continue creating ‘positive family memories’ in the present,” said Psychologist-Personal Coach Ginger E. Blume of Haddam, who has a counseling practice in Middletown.

“This is a highly effective way of coping with the empty nest, instead of sadly reviewing memories of the past and focusing on what you can never have again.” 

With children out of the house and divorced, well-meaning people say I can now live for me and that I’ll enjoy living alone. What they don’t understand is that over the years, these two beautiful children have taken over my heart completely.  Yes, I am capable of gardening, cleaning a house, caring for pets, meeting friends, writing, and on and on.  It just all feels kind of empty when the sounds of my children are gone.

“Many parents do feel a deep sense of loss, especially if they have put their own life on hold during the extended period of raising their children,” Dr. Blume said. 

“If a parent's personal identity is highly tied to their role as "mother/father," they will feel disoriented and confused about who they are and/or what their life purpose is when they are no longer needed by their adult children in the same way they use to be needed. Losses associated with the empty nest are also more difficult to handle if parents have a dysfunctional or highly disconnected marriage. When a couple feels close and enjoys their relationship, the empty nest is not as likely to be experienced as depressing, but instead, as appropriately sad.”

I know I am lucky in many ways.  My children are both healthy and one day, my son will leave home to live his own life – like his sister has.  But for now, I know that by mid-August, life returns to normal for me.  His work at camp ends and I will see him every day for two more school years. 

As for exactly where all that time went, my sister, Barbara Hozempa, has a saying, “Time goes by faster with each child you have.”

All I know, is I have to get through this summer.  When I bring my son back to camp at 8:30 a.m. on Sundays, I try not to go into his room where his Nerf guns, chess board, and fiction books, “The Divine Comedy” and the Harry Potter series, lay in wait for his return. 

Who knows?  Maybe this time apart is a blessing in disguise.  Maybe by the time my son actually goes to college, all this empty-nesting training will have prepared me for the inevitable.  I think the bottom line is when you sign up to be a mother or a father, you have to remember that you are slowly letting go from the time you watch your baby take his/her first steps.

“In the brilliance of hindsight, this is true,” Dr. Blume said. “But, when your baby is born, it seems like forever before you'll have to deal with his/her leaving home. And then time creeps up on you and they are going away to college, etcetera.  If only parents could continue to be aware that ‘letting go of their baby’ as she or he grows, is a developmental process for both parent and child.”

She suggested that once children have “left the nest” and successfully learned to live as independent adults, we can focus on the feelings of “a job well done,” instead of “what can never be again.”

“All situations, like a coin, have a heads and tails side.  We need to consciously choose which side we'll focus on:  the positive or the negative.”

Dr. Ginger Blume has been counseling adults and couples for 33 years.  Additionally, she hosted a radio show on WMRD and WLIS in Central Connecticut and the shoreline.  For over 20 years ending in 2009, she also authored a monthly column, “P.S. Coach” for the Middletown Press.  Dr. Blume offers additional guidance by answering the questions below:

Do all parents go through empty nesting – feel sad when their children go off to college or leave home?

People are complex and while humanity shares many universal feelings, I don't believe all parents go through the losses associated with empty nesting. It depends on many factors … I do like your concept of "empty nester in training," because having experiences throughout childhood when parents and children are apart from each other helps both cope when the children eventually leave home.  Both have had "mini experiences of separation" that they can build on. They both have an opportunity to understand that being apart is okay.

Why do some or all of us go through it?

While difficult for parents to acknowledge, I can recall numerous parents who have felt relief when their last child left the nest if that final child to launch was particularly problematic/difficult to raise. In other words, the strength of the parent-child relationship partially affects whether parents experience difficulty accepting the empty nest.

Are there any studies that show that mothers have a tougher time dealing with this empty nesting phase of their lives?
Mothers who work outside the home, seem to navigate this stage of family life much easier than mothers whose sole identity has been a housewife/mother. Of course, there are exceptions to this statement too.  For instance, if a home-bound parent enjoys another meaningful sense of purpose in their life besides child rearing, such as having a significant hobby at home (artist, musician, master gardener), they could theoretically cope as well as the working mother who is still in the work force.

Do we go through empty nesting because most human beings don't like change? 

It is true that "change" is the best single definition for stress, but it is a sense of loss that describes the empty nest symptoms.

Is motherhood and fatherhood still a huge part of our identity, even though many men as well as women, are professionals and accomplished in many areas of their lives? 

Motherhood and fatherhood is certainly one segment of the "identity pie."  At issue, is how much of the parental identity piece of the pie dominates the parent's overall sense of Self.  Also, does the parent have other significant roles in his/her life that provides an anchor for identity?

Is part of the issue with children leaving home that we fear for their safety, that some part of us thinks they might not be able to handle life on their own?  
I think all parents feel some degree of anxiety about their departing child's ability to cope with life without being there to assist.  However, the issues associated with the empty nest syndrome are more connected to the parent's feelings of loss.

Is some small part of us thinking that if they are self-sufficient, then a huge part of our lives is over?

Yes, it can feel that way to some parents.

Are there other symptoms (that we haven’t mentioned)?

In addition to depression, some people react with anger. They may feel robbed of their role and try to recapture it by refusing to emotionally let their adult child separate from them.

How long should it last?
I don't think we should arbitrarily tell people how long their emotional reactions should last. Sometimes, we try to set limits on how long someone should mourn their loss because we are uncomfortable dealing with their pain. When we don't know how to help them, we feel helpless and demand that they “get over it.” If empty nest symptoms begin to significantly interfere with daily functioning over an extended period of time, people do need to seek professional help.

Are there warning signs for seeking professional help?

If an empty nester finds himself/herself feeling at a loss, as if they no longer have a meaningful purpose for living and begin to feel depressed (frequent tearfulness, lack of interest in life, inability to enjoy every day events, difficulty with sleeping/eating, or even suicidal) for an extended period of time, they should seek professional help from a therapist.

Do have any tips you can share to help parents through this empty-nesting period of their lives? 

I believe we all cope better when we have a plan for coping with anticipated changes.  For instance, parents need to find a meaningful purpose for their lives besides raising responsible, loving children while their children are growing up.  In many ways, the empty nest is no different than what happens to people who retire with no plans for their life after work. In both life stages, people discover that they need to redefine who they are - not just a parent; not just a worker.  If they haven't given this much thought prior to finding themselves thrust into a void, it will be more difficult to re-orient and cope effectively.  Depression can easily develop when one feels a particular role in life defines the entirety of who they are.  We are, of course, more than what we do. We must all wrestle with the major life questions of who we are, why we are here, what our relationship is to the spiritual side of life, and our purpose.

How about the children who are leaving home?  Is it true that children sometimes pick fights the year before they're going to leave home – which makes it easier for them to leave?  If so, do you think this is done subconsciously? 

Some people have difficulty with "goodbyes" and they develop various unconscious defenses as well as conscious strategies for taking leave of loved ones. Picking a fight is certainly common for a young adult, especially if she or he feels that it is weak to admit to fears of independence or fears of being expected to act like an adult. Other young adults who are having difficulty leaving home may experience anxiety or depression.  How the parents present this phase of life to their children will also influence how the family responds to this period in the family's life cycle.  For instance, if a parent insinuates that they feel abandoned by their child's appropriate wish to leave home, the child may feel guilty for wanting to leave home.  Unfortunately, some children who sense that a parent is having difficulty with their leaving, will sabotage their own future plans for college, etcetera, and remain home to reassure and care for their parents.  In my private practice, I've seen several adult children in their 40s and 50s who have never been able to leave their parents. 

Is there anything you would like to add?

While many parents feel a loss when their children leave home, it is important that they also acknowledge the importance of their children trying/strengthening their wings by leaving the nest when it is time.  Children need parental permission, whether directly or indirectly, to leave home.