Small Victories

Yesterday we had a birthday party.  Given that my son is 13, enrolled in public school and is generally healthy, this should just be part of the minutia of parenthood.  But in our lives, yesterday was a victory.

I am a big believer in birthday parties.  I think they give kids a lesson in important social interaction, from choosing and giving a gift, and attending a social event to being a good host and graciously accepting a gift.  My other 3 kids have attended many.

But not Aidan.  I racked my brain yesterday and am pretty sure that Aidan has been invited to one birthday party.  In kindergarten.  I used to think maybe his class just wasn’t a birthday party class.  But then we had his 9th birthday.

We made the reservation at Chuck E. Cheese, paid the not small fee per kid.  Sent the invitations, all the kids in his class.  Two kids RSVP, one actually showed up.  I paid close to $150 for two of my kids and one other kid to  play at Chuck E Cheese and eat tr.  Because when you schedule the party, you have to pay for the party, whether people show up or not.

I mentioned once to my friend Stacey that Aidan’s class seemed to be a bunch of cold fish, they never seemed to want to be involved.  At first she looked perplexed, as she told me that actually they were extremely involved in the school, then uncomfortable as she realized that it seems like we may have been intentionally excluded.  (Stacey’s kids are in my younger kid’s class and is the opposite of exclusionary and I love her for it.)

To be fair, Aidan was “weird”, never quite fitting in with anyone.  Not just nerdily awkward, but really off.  We had the ADHD diagnosis since first grade, but it felt like something more was going on (not that “just ADHD” wasn’t enough).  When Aidan was 12, we received the more accurate diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder.  All the pieces fit to our kid.  He started getting services that actually made sense for his make up.  He’s still incredibly frustrating and doesn’t have the appropriate social reactions to most things, but it’s a work in progress.  He attends a social skills class at Have Dreams in Evanston and, for the first time ever, has friends.

So we decided to try the birthday party thing again.  I had hoped that ASD protected Aidan some from the hurt of his last party.  He never seemed terribly excited about this party, more annoyed that, while yes, we were going to the movies, we were going to see Sponge Bob, not his first choice.  He dutifully handed out his invitations and didn’t mention the party much at all.

Yesterday morning, he seemed to finally embrace the party idea, being excited enough to only have to be told twice to shower, rather that the usual 37 times.  He was still sarcastic and complaining about the choice of films and that his 9 year old brother was coming with him.

We got to the theater, paid for the tickets, set out our cupcakes (Sponge Bob-- because I love a theme) and got comfortable.  Aidan was still cracking wise, and was fairly agitated.  Until the first of his friends arrived.  You could see his body physically relax.  Then the rest of his pals showed up. And he had fun.  Suddenly, Sponge Bob was a great movie.  And I could relax.

I want to be the bigger person and not be angry at the families that excluded mine. And I am trying.  I was explaining to my other friend, Melissa, that I always kept trying to be friendly with his classmates parents because I truly believe it was good for Aidan.  And she reminded me that I am a good mom for that. 

But knowing that my son, who has a disorder that makes it hard to understand and process emotion, has held on to that birthday party hurt for four year, feels unforgivable.  If he was in a wheelchair, couldn’t see or hear, or had a visible disability, I’m pretty sure his peers and their families would have been a lot more understanding and accepting.  A few of them would probably have a post here saying how awesome their kid is for befriending the “differently abled” kid in their class.  They’d probably defend their little darling for calling my kid “retard” and ”stupid” and I’m sure a whole host of other things I don’t know about.  They don’t know that my kid refuses to wear his glasses because one of theirs made fun of them.  They don’t know that they made my kid afraid to enjoy his own birthday party.

Instead, I am going to concentrate on the win.  We had a great party.  The staff at the Century Cinemark Theater in down town Evanston was absolutely wonderful and will have our business for a long time to come.  The wonderful staff and parents at Have Dreams will always be our first life preserver in this sea of navigating Autism.  I’m going to choose to believe that Aidan now knows the difference between friends and classmates.  And we’re going to have another party next year.