Jul 30, 2014
Partly Cloudy

No One Needs to Carry a Purse During School Hours!

If guys can manage without one, then so can you!

No One Needs to Carry a Purse During School Hours! No One Needs to Carry a Purse During School Hours! No One Needs to Carry a Purse During School Hours!

OMG! We haven’t witnessed this kind of tortured female adolescent angst since Rob kicked Kristen to the curb while singing a famous Hank Williams tune. (Look it up!) Apparently, it’s the end of the world as we know it.

And our scientific Fermilab friends were correct! Instead of going out with a bang, it looks like we’re going out with the whiniest of whimpers. Think about it! It could’ve been an asteroid. We could’ve been slow roasted by global warming. Or better yet, it could’ve been the biblical apocalypse complete with zombies and bloody rivers.

But no! Our untimely planetary demise will finally come at the hands of a pack of rabid teenage girls who’s heads are summarily exploding at the mere thought of having to endure seven long purseless school hours on a daily basis.

Oh, the humanity!

It used to be that you couldn’t be caught carrying a backpack during the school day, but because some purses now rival the size of a small freight car, they’ve added them to the list of illicit items. You can still bring your backpack or handbag to school, but once it’s there, it must remain firmly ensconced in your locker.

According to a , personal belongings can be carried in a small strapless case, such as a wallet, make-up case, or pencil case. And by the all the ensuing shrieking and howling we heard on Patch, you’d a thunk Buffy finally put Edward out of our misery.

When they weren’t liberally applying lame four-letter epithets, one young lady wrote, “How the heck are you supposed to get through a day without a bag if you're female? I am just going to say it. Tampons!”

Oh, please! Unless you’re using a brand that doubles as a flotation device, feminine hygiene products can easily fit in your makeup case. Or here’s a thought! Put it in your pocket!

Oh! That’s right! You can’t put it in your pocket, because your jeans are so tight, if you tried, it might split a couple atoms and set off a thermonuclear reaction.

Of course, that would solve the purse-in-school problem.

Another student claimed she wouldn’t be able to make it to her classes in a timely manner if she had to regularly return to her locker. My simple response to that, if the boys can do it, then so can you.

Yet another darling young reader wrote, “I bet it was a guy that made this rule. Every woman on the planet knows what I mean,” and she was quickly supported by another female author who added, “Considering the principal and all the deans are male, I’m not surprised.”

Ah, yes! You caught us! We clueless men are at it again. We’ve been patiently waiting for the perfect opportunity get back at all the women who scorned us and the best we could do is exact our revenge upon a group of hapless high school girls with oversized handbags.

Before her comment was deleted for dropping the f-bomb, one high school honey declared she would damn the detention and carry her bag anyway. Cue the Psychedelic Furs! Apparently someone’s been watching The Breakfast Club far too many times.

And God forbid these young women would apply this same kind of focus and zeal toward something like ending poverty, fighting social injustice, or finding a cure for cancer. No! Their raison d’etre is to be able to carry a gargantuan purse 24/7.

I suppose it’s always important to aim high in this life.

Aside from another dose of that infamous Geneva entitlement mentality, this is just another case of women getting their underwear in a bundle because they think the rules don’t apply to them. That’s right! Y’all love to howl about sexist inequality until it doesn’t suit you anymore.

And it starts with the first time you realize you can get out of a speeding ticket by crying, batting your eyelashes, unbuttoning an extra button, or (d), all of the above. Then it only gets worse.

When you start paying for dates, we’ll talk.

Though this new edict certainly solves yet another outright inequity, what it really boils down to is, after doing the math, administrators realized that when it came to contraband coming into the school, more often that not, it arrived in oversized purses.

Had you contemptuous young ladies actually paid attention to the previous GHS rule forbidding backpacks and LARGE purses, you wouldn’t be looking at a total handbag ban, would you? Now you have no one to blame but yourselves, so you may as well stop all your petulant whining.

We’re on to you.

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