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Why Batavia's Pending Chick-fil-A Should Be a Non-Issue

Do we really have to go over this again?

Why Batavia's Pending Chick-fil-A Should Be a Non-Issue

Do we really have to go over this again? C’mon! I thought I’d already cleared the whole thing up in The Beacon and Courier-News. But no! Just because some insipid fast food CEO makes some sort of asinine statement, it apparently means we that have to reopen the entire can of worms.

And this time it was Chick-fil-A head honcho Dan Cathy who regurgitated the same old tired intolerant and bigoted bleep we’ve already heard a thousand times before. “Blah blah blah, gay marriage. Blah blah blah Bible, Blah blah blah God, Blah blah blah eternal damnation.”

The irony is that, not only does the Bible fail to define the concept of marriage, but it doesn’t mention anything about same-sex unions at all. But even if it did, ain’t it funny how some southern fried folks are all too eager to pick up on some of the prohibitions while completely ignoring a host of others.

For example, Leviticus 19:19 warns against the use of mixed fibers like polyester. I always thought wearing a leisure suit was a mortal sin.

We ignore biblical caveats against Beatle haircuts (Leviticus 19:27), astrology and tattoos (Leviticus 19:19), divorce, eating shellfish, and my all-time favorite, having your wife defend you from a male attacker by grabbing him by a rather delicate area (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)!

Quite frankly, any wife willing to go that far to defend my honor is certainly worth having around—especially if she’s got a firm grip.

When the Bible does discuss marriage, it gets kinda wacky, “When brothers live together and one of them dies and has no son, the wife of the deceased shall not be married outside the family to a strange man. Her husband's brother shall go in to her and take her to himself as wife and perform the duty of a husband's brother to her.” (Deuteronomy 25:5)

Kinky!

But the most delicious irony is the Good Book’s prohibition against touching a pig, much less eating pork. Thus, anyone who’s ever partaken of a Chick-fil-A chargrilled chicken club sandwich is going straight to hell.

Hey! Don’t blame me! I only report the rules; I don’t make ‘em. It’s just that if you’re gonna start reciting biblical verses, then you probably shouldn’t be picking and choosing.

All that said, I also want to be clear that, despite what some Democratic mayors seem to think, even morons like Mr. Cathy are covered by the First Amendment. Why he’d want to wade in on this kind of controversial topic completely baffles me, but it’s every American’s God-given right to say some of the stupidest things imaginable.

I just wish you all wouldn’t avail yourselves of that right quite as often as you do.

But banning Chick-fil-A from Chicago and Boston? Really? Louis Farrakhan is a bigoted lunatic, but Rahm Emanuel ain’t saying anything about his South Side presence.

So while I certainly wish conflicting intolerances would cancel each other out, banning fast food franchise isn’t the answer. Personally, I don’t plan on patronizing the impending Batavia location, for no other reason than they serve distressingly mediocre deep fried fare that does nothing more than make you fatter than you already are.

But when it comes to this kind of semi-accepted discrimination, here’s an interesting litmus test. What if, instead of disparaging same-sex wedlock, our absurd CEO came out against interracial marriage? Remember, it wasn’t that long ago that southern pastors cited the same Bible in an effort to ban that “unnatural” practice.

I’ll tell you what would happen—there would hell to pay. Every last restaurant would be picketed, there would be real calls for a boycott, and, to save the company, Cathy would immediately issue a mea culpa and embark upon the Oprah/Jesse Jackson reconciliation tour.

There certainly wouldn’t be a ridiculous Chick-fil-A appreciation day.

Ain’t it also funny how we can so easily look back on and decry that kind of abject discrimination, but we never seem to see it in ourselves.

To wit, in order to entice $10 contributions, Republican regulars are now offering a $5 Chick-fil-A coupon. But isn’t the GOP supposed to be the party of less government? And isn’t inserting your nose into other people’s bedrooms about as intrusive as it gets?

(For an alternate ending to this column please see my blog at www.thefirstward.net.)

Who cares what people do in the privacy of their own home and, when you really think about it, who cares what some silly CEO has to say about it? As I’ve said many times before, the mere thought of observing any of my portly, white, middle class, heterosexual neighbors engaged in a carnal embrace terrifies me so much more than same-sex weddings.

Do we really want to be on the wrong side of history on this one? Do we really want our grandchildren to read the news stories and say, “What were they thinking?”

Let’s let this one go and move onto more important things.

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