Mancow's Yelp Reviews are Hilarious

Chicago radio shock jock Erich “Mancow” Mueller is brutally honest. From his time hosting Mancow’s Morning Madhouse in the 1990s to his current gig on WLUP’s morning show, the actor and one-time child model has never been shy about giving his opinion.

So it’s probably not too surprising he has an account on Yelp, and is pretty active. And hilarious.

Following a visit to Wilmette Pet Center on Green Bay Road last April, Mancow commended the place as “Great!,” “Local!” and “Friendly!.” But he did have one gripe.

“Just wish they sold wild crocodiles,” Mancow, now a full-time resident of Wilmette, complained. “I had a hilarious idea for practical joke over the YMCA but they foiled my plans. Apparently there’s some crazy law about not being able to buy wild crocodiles over 10 feet long in Wilmette!”

Mancow gives credit where it’s due.

“Crank my shaft and call me Sally! This place got my rod revved,” he said of Wilmette Auto Care. “They did what they said and more. No hidden charges. No feeling of getting done dry. The FIRST time I’ve ever had my car worked on where I didn’t get upsold.!”

He points out the obvious.

“It’s ancient and could use a paint job and good cleaning,” were his thoughts on Homer’s Ice Cream. “The old crotchety North Shore customers HATE children. Everything but their ice cream looks AWFUL.”

And stands up for his rights to photograph the experience.

He called the now-closed Wilmette Subs and Ice Cream shop “an absolute dump.”

“Customer service? Hideous. The woman behind the counter freaked out that I was taking pictures. In broken English ‘what what what what what are you doing? You can’t take photos in here!’ Yes I can. It’s a public place. My guess would be they don’t want you to see how much mayonnaise they paint the sandwiches with.”

“Boy does this place suck suck suck.”

Okay, so Mancow is tough. He doesn’t hold back.

So maybe we should pay attention when he just totally praises a place.

Check out two of his restaurant reviews in the city of Chicago.

He called Taco in a Bag, a North Side joint co-owned by competitive eater Patrick “Deep Dish” Bertoletti, a “destination.”

“This place to me is a destination. This is a place worthy of Chicagoans and tourists viewing as a destination. I found it to be a unique experience. Their marketing is unique. Their soda machine is filled with sugar infused uniqueness and they call their water ‘unicorn tears.’”

But you know Mancow had to take a shot at its late-night hours.

“Open late for meth cookers, drunks, potheads and wild eyed insomniacs like myself.”

But Eataly Chicago, considered a much fancier place than Taco in a Bag, did not win him over.

“It’s chaotic and loud and hard to get helped,” he said. “In a city of REAL indigenous Italian eats why this place? Why?!? To try something new? Gotcha. Me too! That’s why I went.”

“It’s a novelty. A gimmick. A fad!...Their prices are higher than giraffe nads.”