Neighbor Mowed My Lawn Without Asking, Sent a Bill

Dear Neighbor Lady,

My neighbor is very, very fussy about his lawn. Very. He mows it constantly (it seems) and practically uses a nail clipper to put the finishing touches on it. Well, our family does not do this. But we aren’t slouches, either! We mow normally—maybe once a week. Evidently, this is not enough for Mr. Perfection next door. He has started mowing our lawn when we are not home and—get this—he presents us with a bill for his services! I would like him to cease and desist, though rememeber I have to live next to him for the foreseeable future, so please don’t suggest I call the cops or the lawyers. But, how do I get him to keep off my grass?

Tres-mowed

Dear Tres-mowed,

Every time he aims his mower toward your house, it is as though he is pointing the j’accuse! finger: “You are guilty of not rising to my standards, thus you must pay the consequence!” And that bill is turning the knife, isn’t it? He’s adding invoice to insult and to intrusion.  Honestly, we have to trim this guy’s behavior back before the conflict grows all manner of weeds. Good call; let’s just keep the big dogs at bay. 

I understand how annoyed you must be, so I am not going to suggest that you go over there and try to talk some sense into your neighbor. Obviously, he has something going on, you know, upstairs. Introducing logic to obsession is going to work as well as putting a AA battery in your cell phone. Does not jig.

But you do have to communicate with your neighbor and keep it friendly. Let’s write him a letter so you can be sure you get the right tone. Note that the right tone for you may be different from my idea of the right tone—I always prefer humor as my first stab, but that’s just me. Here it is:

Dear Mowing man,

First, I want to say that your lawn looks great! It is the sparking jewel of our street. I don’t think my own will ever equal it. But it ain’t so bad as it is! It may not be the diamond yours is, but it is at least a fresh-water pearl. Maybe?

Nonetheless, it was generous of you to mow our lawn, (thanks for the joke bill—ha ha!—never would have thought of that!). Yet, I really must ask you to stop mowing my lawn without my asking you to—not only would my frugal wife not let me pay for services I did not request, but my insurance agent would mow me down if he knew someone was coming un-invited to operate heavy machinery on my property!  

But again, thanks for the work you did, but I will take it from here. 

I may not mow as often as it would take to match the glory that is your lawn, but, I do mow, and we are OK with being a little scruffier than you. Think of how you look that much better in comparison!

Thanks a lot and again, your place looks awesome!