21 Aug 2014
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Why do I still care???

Why do I still care???
It's a new year... my birthday is next week and I think it's time for me to stop caring what other's may or may not think about me!! 

I am in my early 40's now and yet sometimes I feel like I am still a huge nerd in Middle School.  All the anxiety about meeting new people and wondering "if they will like me" still rears its ugly head from time to time.  It depends on the social situation but the fact that it can still get to me is truly ridiculous!!

What do I have to be insecure about??  I am an educated and successful career woman with a wonderful husband and 2 great kids.  We are all healthy and I beat cancer 4 1/2 years ago!!  I have some really amazing friends and the support of my family.  I have been fortunate to still be able to run my butt off on the soccer field 4 times a week and it brings be such happiness (not to mention a great form of exercise and stress relief).

I guess no matter how old I get, part of me will always hold onto the girl is used to be.  The nerd whose mother used to make her wear monogrammed sweaters and cut her hair short.  I looked like a boy, truly, and the way boys treated me wasn't always nice.  I wanted to be the girl others found pretty or wanted to date.  That wasn't the case for my teen years.  I wanted to be popular... not sure why now.... but boy was it important back then.  

The worst experience that I still remember today is when I was crossing the street back in my hometown of Livonia at Merriman and 5 mile.  Two boys were crossing in the opposite direction and as we passed they started barking at me and calling me a dog.  I was humiliated.... and that experience made me never want to trust or listen to boys again.  Those kind of moments can really mess with a young girls self worth ya know??  It wasn't until I was in my mid-20's at Michigan State that I believed my boyfriend when he told me I was pretty.  Up until that time whenever a guy talked to me I always wondered what he wanted.... there had to be an underlying reason right?

And other girls...they are the worst destroyers of one's self worth.  I had friends here and there but damn if little girls weren't the cruelest little brats.  I found this out when my parents moved us from our lovely ranch in Livonia to a larger home on the north side.  I had a nice group of friends at my first elementary school whom I felt comfortable with so why did we have to move??  The new school had a whole new set of kids who were quite different indeed.  Many of their parents had money which means they moved a little faster than I was used to.  It wasn't fun to have to change to a new school in the 5th grade.
 
Look, childhood isn't easy, but it's even harder when you are the kid with the darker skin, thick eyebrows and Mediterranean nose!!  Oh yeah and did I mention the hair on my arms??  Junior high was a time in my life I never want to "re-do" as there were kids who found a way to tease me about my uniqueness.... another jab at my self-esteem.

Looking back at my childhood, teen and young adult years brings me to smile and shake my head at the same time.  Those years are in the past and I am sure you are saying "It's time to get over them Lisa."....... Hey I'm trying!!!

Starting TODAY I am going to take the advice of my wonderful friend Stacey Webb who told me on Monday "You are great and I like who you are..... remember what a wonderful person you are!!"   She gave me such a wonderful pep talk that it will be my mantra for 2014!  So I am going to stop wondering if you like me or not....you should though because I am a pretty interesting and loving person!!

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