15 Sep 2014
57° Partly Cloudy
Patch Instagram photo by griffin027

A Return to the Inner Mind Theater of Mel

Or what happens when writer's block hits at the worst time possible.

A Return to the Inner Mind Theater of Mel

Since writer's block has struck me again, haunting me like that my terrible 10th grade school picture, I have decided to bring back the Inner Mind Theater for another go-round.

Some of you may think of this as a copout and I will agree with that accusation. It's between that or just smashing they keyboard in frustration and see what happens. 

So without further ado, here's yet another edition of The Inner Mind Theater of Mel. 

Lefty: Okay, it's time to get focused and start writing this article. You with me, Righty? (looks around ) Uhh....Righty?

Righty: (is singing along badly) LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS! TO DEFEAT! THE HUUUNNNNS!

Lefty: Oh come on, Righty! You're a better singer than that. 

Righty: I don't feel like trying right now. Just wanna goof off. 

Lefty: You see, an attitude like is that why finding a job that isn't Subway is tough. You keep wanting to dilly dally instead of searching for a job. 

Righty: Oh come on! I look, stop being such a jerk and assuming that I don't do anything. It's not my fault that nobody wants to call back. And god knows who I'd do with sales. 

Lefty: Well there's only sales out there in the world, gotta suck it up and deal with it. 

Righty: Yeah and be prepared to be fired from everywhere within the span of a two months. I can't even sell candy to a baby. 

Lefty: Well, there's the problem. You don't market to babies or try to sell to babies. Besides, creepy people will try to take it from them. You gotta go to the adults with children to make a worthwhile sale. 

Righty: You get what I'm saying... I was being figurative. You know I'm terrible at selling things to people. 

Lefty: Anyways, here we are again...

Righty: Why are we being focused on again? I thought we had an article already!

Lefty: Nope. We're kind of the copout right now. 

Righty: Lame. Anyways, throw some topics at me before I start dancing to "Gangnam Style" and embarrassing everybody within a 30 foot radius. 

Lefty: You're going to do that anyway, why should I stop you?

Righty: Yes...you are right (does the horseriding dance badly) Come on! Come join me.

Lefty: You're not even doing it right! It's left-right-left-left! We gotta focus, Righty!

Righty: Fine...you're no fun...

Lefty: I'm not supposed to be fun. I'm supposed to be the boring one who leaves snarky comments. 

Righty: Okay so...what are we talking about?

Lefty: Well what about being summoned for Jury Duty for the second time in three years?

Righty: You know, the first time was alright. I got to see the ongoings of a jury and the law process. That was not so bad. But again?! Really?!

Lefty: We got some strange luck...

Righty: Why can't our luck be in cooler things like the lottery or our love life or even finding flamethrowers that shoot chocolate hundred dollar bills? But not imitation chocolate...these are the real deal!

Lefty: Did you really drop a random Homestar Runner reference? 

Righty: Yes. Yes I did. 

Lefty: You're a little too proud of yourself for that. 

Righty: Oh shut up, like you don't get all giddy when you outsmart others

Lefty: Yeah but that at least is something legit. 

Righty: You and your definitions...things shouldn't be define. They should be abstract and open to interpretation. It's what makes life awesome. 

Lefty: So Clint Eastwood yelling at an empty chair is a work of art for you?

Righty: ....okay that was kind of stupid. I mean more like just not having everything be so black and white. 

Lefty: But we need a set of rules and guidelines. 

Righty: Here's my main three rules of life. 1) Don't be a dick, 2) Try not to kill anybody and 3) When in doubt, do it for the lulz. 

Lefty: The lulz? Really? Going with internetspeak there, bub?

Righty: Lulz sounds better than 'the hell of it' or 'for laughs' and you know it. 

Lefty: But it sounds so....unprofessional. 

Righty: Oh I forgot, you like to research MLB blackout policies and TV/radio affiliates for the hell of it to try to draw up fan boundaries. You know it's going to be impossible to try to figure out what's Yankee territory and Mets territory. And god know how you'll be able to draw up Cubs vs White Sox....

Lefty: But it's still nice to try to figure that stuff out. 

Righty: Sure, but you lost me when you were looking up Canada and Mexico....

Lefty: Hey! Detroit shares a metro area with Windsor, Ontario! And San Diego shares one with Tijuana. And don't even get me started with the Sault Ste. Maries and Vancouver's relationship with Bellingham, Washington...oh and how about Presque Isle with New Brunswick?! Also, I mean, the Maritime reigion does have a decent amount of Red Sox fans. And Quebec has widowed Expos fans! You gotta keep that in mind!

Righty: Okay, calm down. You're starting to scare me with how obsessive you sound. 

Lefty: (realizes how weird she sounds) Oh....crap, you're right. I'm sorry. I just got carried away. Maybe I should focus my energies on more sound things like reading up historical events from Canada or baseball.  

Righty: Okay, that sounds better. 

Lefty: (takes deep breath) Okay back to being rational. So, any ideas on what to talk about that isn't this?

Righty: Animal Crossing. 

Lefty: ....what?

Righty: Dude, we need to buy City Folk and play it! 

Lefty: No, I refuse to let you buy that. She needs to save her money for more practical purposes like bills and other things like that. 

Righty: Right...besides, I wanna buy Kirby's Dream Collection when it comes out on the 16th....SIX IN ONE! PLUS A CD! (shakes Lefty enthusiastically) IT'S KIRBY AND IT'S AWESOME!

Lefty: Whoaaa...calm down, buddy...let's actually work on getting some money in that bank account first before you do anything else. 

Righty: Well we got a big fat check today. But...an appointment on Monday....

Lefty: Exactly. There is that loose change lying around...could roll it.

Righty: Or Coinstar! 

Lefty: Coinstar rips you off...

Righty: Yeah...I guess so....

Lefty: Anyways, perhaps we should end it here? You seem more distracted with TV Tropes again....(sees Righty looking at TV Tropes on the internet) 

Righty: (looks over) Huh? Oh....right. Yeah, probably should end it here. 

Lefty: So what are you looking up this time?

Righty: Cold Case. Which is only good for the stories of the murders. Everything else is mehh. Even though Danny Pino is pretty hot. 

Lefty: No argument here. But you just like to rewatch that episode with the two cops...

Righty: .........no comment.


That's all for now. Next article, I swear, will be more on point and much more thought out. 

Want to be e-mailed when either side of Mel’s brain has a new column? Click the “keep me posted!” button below.

Share This Article