A “Lame” Interview
So my Aunt Clara just turned One-Hundred and I can’t remember the last time she filtered anything resembling a verbal commentary. Compared to my Aunt, Estelle Getty was a cream puff. An Aunt C. quote: “You don’t look American; what are you anyway?” Or, “Looks like you’ve put on a lotta weight; do you still drink a lot of beer…or are you pregnant? Are you married?”
And Aunt Clara basically loves everyone but she was born before Archduke Franz Ferdinand got himself capped and started WWI. Who knows what being politically correct meant back in The Day?
Anyway, when you’ve been around a century or so, the first amendment, Lucy van Pelt, and Bill Maher should comprise your BFF inner circle. Why hold back? Why sugar coat stuff? Why sacrifice being truly authentic when you don’t need a grade, you don’t need a job, and you have a fairly good idea who your best friends really are (and how many are left.)
Last week, while visiting Aunt C., I mentioned my upcoming pre-season virtual interview with USC Football Coach Lane Kiffin. Aunt Clara: “With all due respect, why do you want to waste your time interviewing a schifoso like Lame Kiffin?” (“Schifoso” means drooling moron in Italian.)
“Aunt Clara, his name is Lane Kiffin.”
“Look kid; why not make the spoiled brat’s name descriptive?” (I knew what she meant; first year in the phone book, I was Jack Von Buttlow, DDS.)
“You’re right Aunt Clara (there’s no better response here on several levels.)”
“And Jack, why is that entitled little loser Lame gonna be in Temple City? Is that where he buys those stupid visors he wears during night games?”
“Actually Aunt Clara, I think Coach Kiffin is getting some management training right across the street at El Pollo Loco; that’s where I’ll conduct the interview.”
“So Jack, what’s the format? Does the spoiled little punk know you don’t write for the Arcadia Weekly anymore; that your blog actually goes to a legit publication?”
“Aunt C, Coach Kiffin is providing me the opportunity to ask ten questions.”
“Think he’ll answer any of ‘em? Last year he was too busy deflating footballs, switching game jerseys, and reading his arm while the games were going on. You know, how ‘bout I give you the ten questions? And I’ll even give you the answers Little Lame Fauntleroy will probably use. WAKE UP JACK! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?”
Question #1: “I notice you never throw the ball to the tight ends. Whatsamatter with you, were you bullied by the big kids in grammar school or something?”
Answer: “Yeah, but she was a lot taller than me.”
Question #2: “So have you ever talked a kid into going to USC while Coach Ed Orgeron was drinkin’ a glass of water?”
Answer: “Uh” (with a blank stare.)
Question #3: “How many of you Kiffins does it take to screw in a light bulb or stop a spread offense anyway?”
Answer: “Uh…I’m not sure eight is enough.”
Question #4: “Pete Carroll founded A Better LA; you ever think of founding A Better Ulan Bator, it’s the capital of Outer Mongolia?”
Answer: “Uh…do I still get to call the plays? I didn’t study that much geography at Fresno State.”
Question #5: “Last year, your boss said he was behind you 150%; this year, he says he supports you 100%. Given that he’s a lawyer, he’s short, and he has a bad comb-over, what’s your reaction?”
Answer: “Uh…I didn’t take that much math at Fresno State.”
Question #6: “You said it was in the best interest of the team that you continue calling the plays in 2013. What’s your reaction to the big white horse (Traveler) considering retirement if you still call the plays?”
Answer: “Uh…I really didn’t study that much Zoology at Fresno State.”
Question #7: “Last year your team lacked discipline and character on and off the field; you even missed a free meal in El Paso. What’s your favorite toy?”
Answer: “Uh…that’s an easy one, a slightly deflated football. I can actually pick it up and hold it with just one hand. It’s awesome.”
Question #8: “Why did you forget Reggie Bush was on the team when you guys lost to Texas in the Rose Bowl?”
Answer: “I guess I was bitter. I could see Reggie was headed for bigger things like the Kardashians and stuff…and I was employed only because my dad got me another job.”
Question #9: “Everyone from the Dalai Lama to former VP Cheney to the late Andy Rooney and even hapless Temple City developer Randy Wang say you couldn’t lead a small group of Girl Scouts in silent prayer. Whaddya think about that?
Answer: “Some of those Girl Scouts were taller than me and I never studied that much silent prayer at Fresno State.”
And finally: “Why the stupid visor for night games?”
Answer: “Hello. Like I only wear my propeller beanie at home.”
Fight on?