Blog: April Foolishness

So how many readers out there really enjoy sitting in a dental chair while the dentist is busy studying your x-rays and totally using his over-developed vivid imagination?

Yeah, I thought so. Our office has a sign out front that says we’re gonna make dentistry fun, but it’s okay; we mean fun for you guys too.

And since it’s obvious folks would prefer dentistry not being over-the-top creative but it’s also true I require fun times in the office, I developed the Virtual Interview Process.

VIP might seem like a crazy super-close cousin to talking to imaginary friends but that just ain’t the case when we’re talkin’ high profile invisible dignitaries.
In the past I’ve grilled Old Hypocrite Coach Pete Carroll, the late great Andy Rooney, loser USC football Coach Lane Kiffin, and even pathetic former USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett (Garrett answered all of my astute questions with the word “Huh?”) My latest VIP best friend forever is none other than His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.

On April 1, we met once again right across the street at El Pollo Loco, the only completed redevelopment project existing in Temple City (really Arcadia.)
“Greetings, His Holiness! And thank you for checking in on our peaceful little town.”

“JVB, has your memory gone the way of the yak? Western insiders may call me HH…and as the foremost elite athlete/scribe/DDS-type in the San Gabriel Valley, you qualify.”

“Sorry HH, sometimes being humble is hard work.”

“JVB, the whole purpose of religion is to facilitate love and compassion, patience, tolerance, humility, and forgiveness. It is always my great pleasure to visit your harmonious sleepy hamlet of so many bridal shops. And I am very happy that the shrine of El Pollo Loco still stands.”

“Yeah HH, a few months ago, former VP Cheney attacked the shrine with his car and almost knocked the building down; all because EPL doesn’t sell three-quarter pound chili cheese burgers with extra bacon.”

“Ah young Jack, I so enjoy ordering the famous Pollo Bowl; especially when I tell La Vieja La Polla Loca to hold the chicken…between her knees. HAHAHA! It makes me feel just like His Laker Holiness, Jack Nicholson.”

“Yeah HH, I wish our hamlet could fix Rosemead and Las Tunas as fast as they fixed this chicken joint.”

“Dr. V, I noticed what looked to be a huge shifting pile of yak  dung next to the long ugly street of new palm trees. And I’m curious why neither retail, movie theaters, nor grass can grow on that fertilized field.”

“It’s a looong story HH.”

“And what of your school of three initials, JVB?”

“HH, my alma mater no longer has a football coach of sound mind; the athletic director suffers from a chronic lack of intestinal fortitude, and many have been fired.”

“So JVB, is there no good news?”

“Oh yeah HH, there are a few signs of hope.”

“And what are the signs?”

“HH, between you and me, I’m stoked over a recent development. My school of your Cardinal and Gold cap and gown has hired a very wise young man to coach basketball.”

“HH, the new basketball coach is wealthy and wise beyond his years. And he can still shoot free throws, a skill unseen on campus for many, many years. And his wife is very beautiful, having modeled the sacred secret under garments of Victoria.”

“And JVB, does she no longer guard Victoria’s secrets?”

“HH, the great man’s wife wanted to produce smart, beautiful children who could also shoot free throws. She forsook her career.”

“Ah JVB, love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.”

“But HH, what about the free throws?”

“Polla Loca, make that one avocado chicken burrito to go…and yeah, Von Bulow over here can hold the chicken between his knees. I’m out!”