Patch Blog: "Chartered" Again

I guess when proper nouns become verbs it’s not necessarily a really pretty sight.

And even though I’m not a fan, there are times when I Tebow in my own mind. I’d love to Forrest Gump through life, and I’m Googled, therefore, I am. But next to the prospect of being Bobbitted, getting “Chartered” again brings up a comparison rivaled only by something I saw in the movie Moneyball.

Brad Pitt’s Billy Beane is trying to generate a role play with Jonah Hill’s Assistant GM character. The topic: How do you cut or trade a ballplayer?

Pitt: “Would you rather have a bullet between the eyes or five shots to the chest and a slow painful death?”

Hill: “Are those my only choices?”

And yeah, getting “Chartered” again can be pretty slow and painful.

So the former Soviet Union was never one of my favorite countries and you couldn’t pay me to root for the bruins or listen to Limbaugh. And I’d rather have acne again than sit through an entire soccer match. But as Jack Nicholson once said in "Terms of Endearment," “I’d rather have needles in my eyes” than be “Chartered” again.

If Charter Communications were a country, Third World would be an upgrade. If Charter were an animal, it’d be an opossum chasing a parked car. If they had a functional customer service department…? Oh well, you probably know what I mean.

This week alone I haven’t watched a single ballgame where the image hasn’t frozen, only to be replaced by message, “This channel currently not available.” If I have this experience during a Trojan game the next service call could get uglier than former Vice President Dick Cheney the day after the Big Macs died.

And I know it’s easier connecting with customer service just by getting the right number off the Web site, but seems like my Charter-powered home computer connects with the Internet about as much as I connect with delicate little flowers.

Tried getting to Charter by phoning 4-1-1, and obviously information is like kryptonite and maybe not being in “communication” is just Charter’s way of giving back (only four bullets to the chest.)

But the one thing customers can count on is Charter’s commitment to collecting bucks. If only the cable comedians were as good at keeping the picture on as they are at turning it off. Charter may not stand and deliver so hot, but they can collect faster than you can say “This channel currently not available.”

Uh, and when I finally did get through to customer service the second night I called in, I got 25-minutes of “A service representative will speak with you momentarily” before I gave up and hung up.

Like I’ve shared here before, in some elite dental circles I’m actually known as “Smilin’ Jack.” And you’d be smilin’ too if you were surrounded by a bunch of DDS-types rather than being home alone and looking up at the frozen 52” HD image of Mike Scioscia.

Woody Allen once said “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” But sometime,s when all you wanna do is watch some TV or go on the Internet, there’s an 80 percent chance you’re gonna get Chartered.