Dear NCAA Goofs

Dear NCAA Goofs                                         October 20, 2013

Just thought I’d drop you a note and hand out a generous “Mission Accomplished.”

Yeah, the once-mighty USC Football Trojans just ain’t what they used to be these days even though Coach “O” still gets major props and an “A” for effort against all odds.

Your Boardroom Tampa 2 (much more effective than Monte’s) has accomplished something that didn’t much happen to the Trojans on the field way back when the coach was on Sixty Minutes, winning 34 games in a row, and leading a transformative life-saving community project in his spare time.

Don’t know about you guys, but before you went after the school for lack of institutional control, involving a player’s greedy stepdad and a sports agent wannabe 100 miles off campus, I can’t remember the Trojans losing any games even to your kissin’ cousins in the SEC.

So just maybe USC woulda been better off sending 30 kids to jail like the Gators.  Maybe putting up the $185,000 ante in the Cam Newton sweepstakes would have been a better strategy. Or they might have just bought Reggie a few new cars every year like they do at The Ohio State University. Or, what the heck, why not send you a copy of the check to pay some yokel to recruit kids from the Lone Star State the way they do at the University of Nike?

Next time around, I guess a safer strategy is telling Snoop and Will Ferrell (Okay, I even hate admitting he went to my alma mater) to keep a lower profile and, by all means, make sure the players, their families, and fans aren’t actually perceived as enjoying the USC experience.

And I’d like to offer up a special fist bump to the flunky Infractions Committee Chair/ former-Athletic Director at The University of Miami, who sentenced the Trojans with a totally straight face, having shown complete institutional control while being the AD at Miami…if by institutions we mean abortion clinics, hooker networks, and the South Florida Division of Adult Parole Operations (Ever wonder about the educational inferiority complex shared by colleges requiring a “The” before their real name?)

Oh, almost forgot; thanks for your sense of fairness regarding Penn State’s sanctions. I guess anyone can make a mistake and ignore pedophiles calling the locker room home…for more than a decade. Is it really true you guys were thinking about extending Charles Manson two additional years of eligibility if he promises to commit to the Florida Gators (seems like they always have room for another convict)?

I just hope Reggie and Pete and Matt Barkley and all of his teammates learned their lessons. Same goes for all the kids sustaining injuries on the field for the presence of 30 empty uniforms on the sidelines.

Honestly, I always thought former USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett was beyond clueless but now I’m reconsidering; maybe you guys actually are jealous of the Trojans. But if you crawl back into your holes and stay there for a really long time maybe you can forget that we live in SoCal…and you don’t.

So here’s a big “Fight on!” to you and that was so easy I didn’t even need to use my index finger.

My practice advisor‘s mantra remains “You have what you deserve.”  I can only hope one day you have way more than that.

Thoughtfully,

Dr. Jack