On the other end of my phone the mother sounded at a loss as she described the dilemma. Her daughter, shut in her room, barely eating, refused to attend school. Mom had taken everything away-- privileges, iPod, computer, and phone-- in an attempt to compel obedience. Still, steadfast refusal. I’ve heard this story before. A worried and emotional parent sweeps away any experience, and any means, that gives joy to their recalcitrant child until there’s nothing left to remove. The rationale is, why should the child experience fun and connection with friends while engaging in disobedience? Perhaps we can identify with some the parent’s experience: A feeling of frustration at the daughter’s refusal; Worry about the possible results of missing too much school; A rising sense of helplessness as no consequence has brought the desired result; Indignation from feeling thwarted Anger from a perceived loss of control. Left with pleading through a closed door, Mom calls me. I hear her desperation on one side of the door while imagining the daughter’s on the other. Now what? Of course, the easiest solution to this situation is prevention. Here follows a few guidelines to reduce parent-child stalemates. When a child withdraws be a good listener by: Making yourself available Showing interest Not automatically giving advice Then, ask what kind of help she would like. If the behavior escalates, carefully consider a reasonable consequence (related to the behavior and matching in degree) to the action. Couple this with a reasonable reward (reinforcement) for any efforts in improvement. For our example, Mom has completely isolated her daughter from her social support. We want to rectify this quickly. Begin with reinforcements, any small improvement in behavior (for example, talking to an adult) needs to earn her some contact with friends; after all, she would not be refusing school attendance unless she were experiencing significant emotional pain. She needs a friend. Reward continued small improvements in behavior. Depending on the issue, support her efforts to resolve it, or seek professional assistance. As adults, thoughtfully supporting youth in crisis trumps creating a emotional win-lose power struggle. Colleen O’Hara is a school counselor and a Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Arcadia. You can reach her at www.rockwood-counseling.com This story is based on a composite of case studies.