Summer Can Be a Bummer

The other day I called a friend of mine to see if she wanted to go to Great America with me - my treat. She said she'd love to but it was too sunny. "Too sunny? How can it be too sunny?", I asked, then suggested she wear a hat. "I can't wear hats, she said. My head is too small so I look funny in them." "Maybe you should try living dangerously for one day and go without one, even though you never wear them?" She quickly snapped, "I can't! I had skin cancer on my face! The doctor told me I should carry an umbrella everywhere I go for the rest of my life!" "I'm sure one day without an umbrella would be okay if you put extra sunscreen on", I suggested. "I can't wear sunscreen because I hate the way it smells!", she retorted, "and even if I didn't, I'd have to keep applying it and my arms are too weak to do that. I have nerve damage, you know."

I don't know why, but I kept trying to get her to go. "I really wish I could", she said, "but even if I didn't have the problems I just told you about, my eye doctor said my eyes are too sensitive to be in the sun," she said. "Why don't you just wear sunglasses like everyone else in the world? I asked. "I can't wear sunglasses anymore! My skin is too thin and sensitive to support the frames! That's how I got skin cancer in the first place! I thought I told you about that. Besides, when the sun shines on certain objects, it can trigger migraines for me. You wouldn't enjoy watching me puke in a bucket, would you?"

"What if we forget about your face and all the rest for a moment. Wouldn't it feel good just to throw some shorts and a tank top on, get out, let yourself go, and feel like a kid again? I asked. "I had a crummy childhood!" She yelled. "I can't wear shorts! My legs are hideous. I have spider veins, varicose veins, scars, fat thighs, cellulite, skinny calves...". "Okay, then wear jeans and a tank top.", I suggested. "TANK top? You have to be kidding me! My arms are flabby, my chest is wrinkled, my wings stick out, and I'm too white, besides...Hello? Skin cancer?!?" 

Exasperated, I said, "So wear something that covers all of that!" (I know a nice nunnery that may be able to fulfill your needs...) "Yeah, but then I'd be too hot," she said. "If you wear sandals, your overall body temperature would be lowered," I replied. "Sandals?!! Me - Wearing sandals in public? Have you not seen my feet? Everywhere I go, peoples' eyes seem to gravitate towards them. Sandals? NO flipping way!"  

She went on to say, "You and everyone else I know, have no idea what I go through in the summer. I dread it like the plague.  I feel like a homeless person looking through a window at a perfect family's Christmas dinner.  I'm not a part of it and can't be because I'm too self-conscious and have too many hang ups." (Hang ups? I thought? What could she possibly be talking about?). I was beginning to wonder if I should drop her from my list of friends, from the highest building or drop her off at a mental institution. 

After all of the bickering, I finally asked if she just wanted to come to my house instead. We could crack open a bottle of champagne and make a toast to her carefree life. We could shut all of the window coverings and put blindfolds on. She said, "It sounds tempting, but I'm allergic to alcohol and the drive to your house is too far and did I forget to mention my allergies? The last time I was at your house, I had breathing difficulties exacerbated by the pollen in your air." I apologized for our air and said farewell to my doomed, yet feisty friend.

I wonder if she'd be interested in attending a wild bikini beach party on the 4th of July? It will be after dark and I have a special garment picked out for her to wear. Frankly, I don't know if I have enough energy to talk her into it. Would you?