What a Chocolate Mess...

If there's such a thing as having more DNA than the average person, I think I have it. I can't keep anything looking nice for long. My husband has always said I have, what he calls, the "Shidas Touch" (everything I touch turns to shi*!). Well! For once, I think he's right. Is it possible to have more fingerprints, hair, fibers, tissue, blood and seepage than the average person, or am I just a big, fat slob? 

One of my mottos has always been "A Place for Nothing and Nothing in Everything's Place". I didn't plan it, it just evolved. One of my friends always says, "I want to have good taste, but I don't!". With me, it's,"I want to be tidy and chic but it's never gonna happen".

I don't care how new or expensive an item is, once I touch it, it's an instant flea market reject. Everything I own or come in contact with, has the "Mark of Peggy" on it.  If it's not spots from lipstick, eyeliner, chocolate, gum, coffee, food, ink or hair, it's grease or grime. It's breaking things without meaning to, tripping over rugs, tracking dog poop into a potential employer's brand new carpet, spilling everything that tries to go into my mouth, and often getting wrapped around poles by weird scarves, belts or jewelry. Gosh, it's hard being me...

If I had a Rolls Royce and drove it off the showroom floor, by the time I got it home, it would look cruddy enough to push off a cliff! I just can't keep things neat, no matter how hard I try! I think that's why I'm driving an old car. I'm not thrilled about driving around in a garbage truck, but do I really want to start all over again, with the same habits, the same messy me? 

Here's a tip for everyone. Driving while eating chocolate is not a good plan, especially when the seat warmer is set at 2000 degrees. It feels so good on your bones, but I can't tell you how many times I've gotten out of the car and looked like I had a diaper that needed changing! How do the chocolates even get there? I aim for my mouth and they end up in arrears...If I throw in some graham crackers and marshmallows, I could have s'mores, without the fuss. Hmmm...

I also have a lot of mishaps with chewing gum. Just a few days ago, I woke up with a piece of gum plastered to the nightgown I was wearing. The heating pad I'd slept on was not only trashed, but stuck to my rear end. I walked six feet before I realized I was still plugged in. I know you're not supposed to sleep with heating gadgetry, but I've always loved living life on the edge. Some people call me Piglet, and now you know why. It really does seem like I live in a sty. I just changed the sheets six months ago! And by the way, what are silverfish doing in bed! Shouldn't they be in bathtubs?

One of the biggest problems I have, is almost unexplainable. I have that mysterious magnetic thing that makes everything go haywire. Not only do I shut down cash registers, cameras, phones, elevators, and about a million other things; I can't even wear watches or certain jewelry. If I'm wearing a chunky necklace, they sometimes get so hot on my skin, you could grill a steak on me! Even after I take them off, I'm sure you could still keep food warm...My energy sizzles, somehow! How did I get lucky enough to be one of the "chosen ones" who has to endure this agony?

When I'm not breaking or spilling things on myself, I work in movies, TV and commercials. A few years ago, I was working on a commercial in San Francisco, wearing a large turquoise necklace. It was a sidewalk scene, the cameras were rolling. The director yelled, "Action!" After about 30 seconds of walking towards the camera, I felt my neck getting hot, hot, hotter than a firecracker, and suddenly the necklace exploded! The director yelled, "Cut!". I tried to act innocent, but the pieces were scattering on the sidewalk and had narrowly missed hitting someone's face. All signs pointed to me, especially since it was all caught on film, as I heard from the crew later. I looked at my neck and fragments were still hanging from me. There was disbelief, laughter and some odd stares, but the people who knew me, didn't think much about it. Why can't I have a reality show! This stuff happens to me all day long!

At least I feel comfortable at "Ripley's Believe it or Not"...