My New Medical Care Plan is Making Me Sick...

It's only been two months, but since beginning my new medical care plan, I've already had two life-threatening illness false alarms, advice that I should go to their mental health center, and just last week while getting a sonogram, the nurse asked me if I was transgender. Huh? I knew I should have waxed my chest beforehand... 

The first day I took the elevator to my first doctor visit, an eccentric woman inside the elevator, yelled out - "Who else in here hates this place?" Another rider chimed in and said, "I do!" "What have I gotten myself into," I thought? I'd been a member of this same health plan when I was in my early 20's, but thought things had changed since I'd become a somewhat groovy elderly broad.

 I'll never forget the time I actually had a fake doctor at this medical center, but that's another story, a long time ago, and slightly x-rated. I will say that the "doctor" made me lie on a table while trying to take off my pantyhose. He turned out to be a law student who made his way inside the office and what a prize he had to find me - his dream patient, a trusting soul--- a fool!  

I've also been bombarded by paperwork, emails and phone calls up the wazoo (whatever that means). There's a teenage boy walking around the facility with a clipboard, asking to take your picture for their private files (I'll bet...).  The hoops I've had to jump through just to get prescriptions filled, the time and gasoline I've used and a thousand other things, are giving me headaches,anxiety attacks, shortness of breath, migraines, neuritis, neuralgia, bursitis, gingivitis, arthritis, sinusitis, tinnitus, dermatitis, angina, tingling, numbness, dizzy spells, pleurisy, leprosy,trench mouth, the plague, scoliosis, kyphosis, lordosis, wheezing, sneezing, pinched nerves, hors d'oeuvres, Rocky Mountain Spotted fever, Dutch Elm Disease, lock jaw, hives, itching, scratching, hiccoughs, gangrene...and I may even be pregnant!

And all of this from a medical plan who wants me to be healthy? I'd rather walk a tightrope...