Understanding How Divorce Affects Children

Divorce can have a traumatic effect upon children. It is emotionally heart wrenching for a child of any age to see their beloved parents divorce, especially after a long marriage. There are a number of changes that may result in your child’s life, immediately or over a period of time:

• Emotional stress resulting in behavior change
• Psychological changes resulting in low self-esteem, mood swings, introversion, bullying
• Behavioral problems of all kinds, noted by unusual and deviant behavior
• Strained relationships with either or both parents
• Strained relationships or outright meanness and negativity with either parent’s new partner
• Anger, rage, resentment
• Dangerous acting out
• Taking out emotions through drugs, drinking and other excesses
• Behaving in an aberrant manner – may include partaking in illegal activities as a call for attention
• Aggressive behavior toward others
• Meanness, resentment or physically abusing brothers and sisters
• Misbehaving, not listening to one or both parents
• Lack of trust in parents, teachers, authority figures and other adults

Other Changes that May Occur in Children of Divorced Parents:

In many cases of divorce, a sensitive son or daughter may lose trust and confidence in themselves and the way they behave in the world. Their loss of trust and confidence often results from a misunderstanding of the circumstances of the divorce.

Additionally, the child may experience self-blame for what they feel is their own failure to hold their parent’s marriage together. Of course, most divorces result from the parent’s own inner changes and from the way they now feel about their spouse, the marriage and the future.

The Good News About Children of Divorced Parents:

The good news is that in the United States, the great majority of children of divorced parents do not experience extreme behavioral, psychological or emotional problems. Most children are strong, healthy and resilient. They understand that there are many parents who divorce and often find out that other friends have divorced parents as well. Estimates of divorce often hover around the 50% range, although these numbers are often disputed. Still, divorces occur in all segments of society and children are likely to gravitate toward other children of divorced parents in their school, in religious groups, sports groups, summer camps and other academic and nonacademic programs and programs.

Helpful Ways to Assist Your Child During and After a Divorce:

• First and foremost, it is vital for both parents to sit down with their children and explain to them that they are not the cause of the divorce, and that the divorce was the parent’s own decision - based on their own reasons.
• Constantly reassure your children of your authentic love. This is best achieved by actions, not just words. Spend time with them. Go places with them. Show a sincere interest in their school progress, after school activities and personal life. Be a parent first and a friend second. But do spend loving, engaging time with them.
• Make it a point not to blame your former spouse for the divorce or other problems when you are with your child. If you do that you can easily poison your child’s mind and they will mimic your feelings. Stay positive, even if it’s hard.
• Remember – you married your former spouse because at one time you had great love for them. Focus on the good.
• Reinforce your love for your child, and make sure they understand that you and your divorced spouse will always be there for them.

Your children are extremely intelligent and aware, even at early ages. It is up to both parents to make a genuine effort to demonstrate your authentic, deep love and concern for your children