Attorney General Sessions Insults State of Hawaii

Attorney General Sessions Insults State of Hawaii: US Attorney General Jeff Sessions set off a firestorm after issuing an insulting dismissal of America’s 50th state, expressing astonishment that a judge “who sits on an island in the Pacific” could dare hold up American President Trump’s travel ban - making some wonder if he was even aware that Hawaii is a state. Sure, Hawaii has been a state since 1959, but in Sessions’ defense, he’s still living in the year 1950. That said, Hawaii shouldn’t take it too personally, Sessions doesn’t recognize any states which were added after the Missouri Compromise. And on a positive note, at least he had the ocean correct

Doctor Accused of Performing Liposuction in Pole Barn: Southwestern Michigan authorities say a doctor may have endangered patients and the public by performing liposuctions in a pole barn. So for those of you in Southwestern Michigan, if anyone ever utters a snide remark to you like “close the door, were you born in a barn?” - just tell them “no, but I once had liposuction in one.”

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Tiny Hobbit People Were Actually Separate Species: Researchers say the tiny 3-foot-tall hobbit people who lived in Indonesia hundreds of thousands of years ago, weren't simply shrunken versions of modern humans as researchers had previously thought, but were actually a far more primitive sister species of Homo habilis, which lived in Africa 1.7 million years ago. Anthropologists say this definitively proves Randy Newman was right all along.

Romanian Scientists Produce Artificial Blood Product: A Romanian doctor announced that he and a team of colleagues have made a potentially life-saving stride for medicine, following a successful round of testing an artificial blood product they’ve devoted the last six years of their lives to developing. Gee, I hate to sound cynical, but Romania is where Transylvania is located. I mean, is anyone really surprised a “scientist” from Transylvania would devote so much bloody time trying to increase the blood supply?

Lawsuit Claims Bose Headphones Spying on Customers: An Illinois man has filed a class-action lawsuit, accusing high-end audio equipment maker Bose of spying on its users and selling information about their playlists and listening habits without permission. And who can blame him? I mean, who wants the general public to know your favorite music group is The Village People?

Brain Enters Higher State of Consciousness on LSD: A new study found that psychedelic drugs such as magic mushrooms, ketamine, psilocybin and LSD cause the brain to enter a “higher state of consciousness.” Unfortunately, my “higher state of consciousness” turns out to be paranoia. The good news is these drugs are completely safe for everyone. My cat just told me so.

Trump Urges Everyone to Read Book with No Words: In an early morning tweet, President Trump urged all Americans to read Michael J. Knowles’ Amazon bestseller “Reasons to Vote for Democrats,” a satirical book that contains nothing but 260 blank pages. No doubt the book is at the top of Betsy DeVos' reading list. Actually, its a great read for Trump people, because you can just make up your own stories. When asked if he actually read the book, Trump admitted he hadn’t, but said he did read the CliffNotes. Trump added that his only complaint about the book was that there weren’t enough pictures in it.

Grumpy Cat Has $100 Million Net Worth: The Internet’s most notorious feline Grumpy Cat is said to have a net worth of over $100 million - all earned from appearances, movies, modeling, ads and book deals. And for those of you thinking about turning your feline friend into some ready cash, its important to remember that “all that litters is not gold.”

Study Finds Younger Millennials Want Stay-at-Home Wives: A new study found that fewer of the youngest millennials, those aged 18 to 25, support egalitarian family arrangements than did the same age group 20 years earlier. The only issue is - having a stay-at-home wife can get a little complicated when you’re still living in your parent’s basement.

Navy SEAL Under Fire For Moonlighting As Porn Actor: A decorated Navy SEAL is under investigation after it was disclosed that the soldier had been moonlighting as porn actor Jay Voom, but his porn-star wife Jewels Jade claims he was only trying to help her career after they had experienced financial difficulty. Well, first of all, I’d like to tell them “thanks for your cervix.” Apparently all his missions weren't impossible. So they had some financial difficulty? Sounds more to me like he had fallen on “hard times.” I mean, the poor guy transitioned from a career in the service to a career of being serviced. Sounds like a natural progression. Personally, I don’t get why its such a big deal - unless they suspect he may have had a “dishonorable discharge” somewhere along the way.

Trump Family Holds Private Easter Egg Hunt at Mar-a-Lago: President Donald Trump celebrated his first Easter as president at his Mar-a-Lago resort and, rather than attend the traditional Easter egg hunt held for the children at the White House, had a private egg hunt with just the Trump families and their children in attendance. Well, I guess that pretty much leaves all those common folks who voted for him - with egg on their face. On a positive note, with all the health citations his Mar-a-Lago kitchen has been getting lately, it probably saved a lot of kids from getting food poisoning.

New Berkeley Study Explains Why Shoelaces Come Undone: After numerous tests run on a treadmill, a UC Berkeley professor of mechanical engineering determined that the combination of banging a leg up and down and jerking it forward is primarily responsible for our shoelaces continually becoming untied. Oh yea, I’ve heard about that study. I believe its called “String Theory.” If you ask me, the solution to this is simple. Instead of using regular shoelaces, try lacing your shoes with the wire attached to your earbuds. Hell, once they’re knotted up, its virtually impossible to undo them. Personally, I prefer loafers because I’m just knot into lacing up my shoes.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Study Finds Cats Choose Human Company over Treats and Toys: In a surprising new study out of Oregon State, researchers found that house cats and shelter cats actually tended to prefer human company over treats or toys. While cat lovers applauded the finding, dog lovers are claiming the study is littered with errors.

Bill O’Reilly Out at Fox News: Fox News announced it has ended its association with Bill O’Reilly, the combative TV host and commentator who has ruled cable-news ratings for nearly two decades and was the signature figure in the network’s rise as a powerful political player. Sounds like Bill O’Reilly is no longer a Factor - he’s entered the “No Job Zone.”