Elderly Saying They Want More Sex: A new study shows that more men are staying sexually active in their 70s, 80s and 90s, with more than 40% of those sexually active men saying that they wish they were having more sex. Sadly. the other 60% said they’d be content just to have regular bowel movements.
No Alcohol for Georgia Death Row Inmate’s Last Meal: State prison officials say an inmate facing execution in Georgia will not be allowed to have the six-pack of beer he requested for his final meal. I kind of get that. Mixing alcohol with the drugs they’re gonna give him could be dangerous, but hell - as a compromise - they ought to at least let him have a bottle of O’Doul’s.
Judge Bans Man from Every Library on Earth: A Wisconsin judge has just banned a 20-year-old man from “all libraries on the face of the earth” as a condition of his $1,000 bond, after the man was caught openly masturbating in the Racine Public Library. Being banned from libraries is no punishment for a guy like this. After all, if he continues masturbating - he’ll go blind, so he won’t be able to read anyway.
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Amusement Park Sued for Allowing Chimp to Smoke Cigarettes: An animal rights group is suing to get a chimpanzee named Candy out of a Baton Rouge amusement park where, it says, she smokes cigarettes and is given soft drinks instead of water. That’s outrageous! The only animals that should ever be permitted to smoke are Camels.
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Study Says Car Crashes More Deadly for Obese: A new study strongly suggests that obesity increases the risk of death during car crashes. In response, the National Institutes of Health plans to put out a PSA reminding people that “friends don’t let friends drive fat.”
Majority Now Support Pot Legalization: A new study found that for the first time ever, the majority (54%) of Americans now support the legalization of marijuana. I’m not so sure, those figures seem a bit “high” to me.
Earth’s Core Softer Than Scientists Thought: New studies are showing that the Earth actually has a much softer core than ever previously thought. Scientists say their next task will be to determine if that soft core is actually made up of a creamy-smooth, chewy, caramel center.
Holly Holm Defeats Ronda Rousey in 2nd-Round Knockout: In one of the sport’s biggest upsets, the seemingly unstoppable Ronda Rousey has been knocked out in the second round by Holly Holm. Some are speculating that Rousey may not have been in her best fighting condition for the bout. No kidding, I had to look twice to make sure it was really her and not Amy Schumer in the ring.
Two Zebras Recaptured After Escaping Circus: After quite a bit of struggle, a pair of zebras who had escaped from the the UniverSoul Circus outside the Mann Center for the Performing Arts in Philadelphia, have been recaptured. One thing’s for sure, whomever captured these animals really earned their stripes. As far as I’m concerned, this story’s pretty much black and white.
Child Suspended for Calling Teacher Cute: After a substitute teacher overheard a 9-year-old North Carolina boy tell another student that his teacher was “cute,” school officials put the child on two-day suspension for sexual harassment. Hell, its too bad he didn’t call her a “bitch” - everything would have been cool.
Man Leaves 1900-Page Suicide Note: A 35-year-old man who recently took his own life on the Harvard campus left behind a 1904-page suicide note. Authorities say they’re not completely certain why the man killed himself, but they’re reasonably certain it wasn’t because he had writers block.