Dead Body Sat in Aussie Restaurant for Three Days

Dead Body Sat in Aussie Restaurant for Three Days: Australian police are investigating how a dead body was able to sit unnoticed in the bathroom stall of a Hungry Jack’s fast food chain near Perth for three days. Not so surprising when you think about all the times have you’ve walked into a public bathroom and thought "what died in here?”

Coyotes Refuse to Leave Brentwood Family’s Pool: A Brentwood, California man finally had to call LA County Animal Services after three coyotes were found lounging around the family pool for several days straight, ignoring any effort to get them to leave. Come on folks, we’ve all been warned about not feeding wild animals - so if you’re serving coyotes Patron Cadillac Margaritas by the pool, just what do you expect?

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Kasich Claims People Choosing Visiting Ohio Over Maui: In his opening remarks at the Ohio State Fair, Gov. John Kasich told the crowd that Ohio has become cool again and that vacationers are now asking themselves “do I want to go to Maui, or do I want to go to Cleveland?” Vacation in Cleveland? What’s he been smoking? Oh yeah - Maui Waui!

Angry Cow Destroyed After Running Over Officer in Washington: Police are trying to figure out what set off an uncontrollable, angry cow that escaped a county fairgrounds, bowling over its owner and injuring a local police officer, as well as denting several police cars before taking off on a rampage throughout the town of Longview, Washington. Animal Control officers say that while this may not have been classic “Mad Cow,” it was obviously a very “pissed cow.” And while I’m no animal behavioral expert - I would have at least tried to hook it up with some inexpensive anger management classes before putting the beast down.

Americans Like Smartphones More than Sex: A new Harris Poll found that more Americans say they can live without sex than without their smartphones. Which, when you think about it, is really quite a testimony as to how good phone sex has gotten over the last few years.

Student Claims Garamond Font Could Save Government $234 Million: A fourteen-year-old student made national headlines by claiming the federal government could save over $200 million simply by switching to Garamond font on its documents because it’s thinner, it’s lighter and uses less ink. Come on! If some punk kid can figure this out, what the Helvetica is wrong with the government?

Solar Plane Completes Historic Round-the-World Trip: A solar-powered aircraft has successfully completed the first fuel-free flight around the world, returning to Abu Dhabi after an epic 16-month voyage and demonstrating the potential of renewable energy. Good thing the plane’s electric motors were powered by solar, otherwise, you’d need to find one helluva long extension cord.

Canal Under Maya Pyramid Possibly Gateway to Afterlife: Mexican archeologists have discovered a canal system under the pyramid containing the tomb of a Mayan ruler, suggesting the water tunnel could represent a symbolic path or gateway to the afterlife. Yea, well it’d be just my luck that I follow the canal seeking the afterlife, only to discover that the damn thing is actually just a “gateway” to the septic tank.

White Sox Suspend Chris Sale After Bizarre Clubhouse Incident: The Chicago White Sox have suspended pitching ace Chris Sale after he shredded a bunch of throwback uniforms in the White Sox clubhouse which he claimed were uncomfortable to wear. Well now that the uniforms have been damaged, I guess the White Sox will have to put them on Sale. Oh wait - they already tried that.

Ann Coulter Attacks Fareed Zakaria for Thick Indian Accent: Ann Coulter used Twitter to attack CNN's Fareed Zakaria for speaking in “thick Indian accent” when he asked the question "what kind of America do we want to return to?” My only advice to Ann Coulter is make sure to have your birth certificate handy if you ever try to use a public bathroom in North Carolina.

Porn Industry Job Losses Hurting Economic Figures: Its been estimated that the porn industry’s recent near shutdown because a porn star tested HIV positive has a dramatic effect on US economic growth numbers, with a whopping 22,000 jobs lost per month. Perhaps, but its also quite possible that the job losses are way overblown.

Researchers Feel Appendix May Perform Useful Function: According to a new study, the appendix may not be useless after all as the worm-shaped structure helps protect our beneficial gut bacteria when a serious infection strikes. In related news, sociologists say the Kardashians may not be totally useless, they can always serve as bad examples.

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John Kerry Claims Air Conditioners as Big of Threat as ISIS: Secretary of State John Kerry told reporters in Vienna that the hydrofluorocarbons from air conditioners and refrigerators pose as big of a threat to life as terrorism from groups like the Islamic State. No kidding, I could have sworn I heard my A/C unit chanting Allahu Akbar just last night! As a precaution, the State Department announced it will immediately require TSA’s to begin screening passengers for possible air conditioning units at all major airports within the United States. Meanwhile, ISIS announced they plan to come out with a new line of air conditioners in the fall. Not to be left out of the action, the Trump campaign issued a statement saying we’ve got to stop refrigerators and A/C units from entering the country until we figure out what’s going on.

Male Workers Asked To Bring Own Toilet Paper To Work: Male public works employees in Windsor, Missouri, have been ordered to bring their own toilet paper to work after a city administrator claimed the male workers were using way too much toilet paper during a time of budget constraints. Angry workers say when they agreed to move to a paperless environment, they never dreamed it meant the bathrooms.