Rabbi Shares Tips for Raising Decent Jewish Teens and Pre-teens

“Parenting can be greatly rewarding and filled with joy,” said Rabbi Paul Kipnes, as he addressed an audience of over 30 parents Wednesday night at Congregation Or Ami.

The interactive event was part of a series of programs presented by Or Ami's Center for Jewish Parenting at the congregation located off of Mureau and Las Virgenes roads.

Rabbi Kipnes, a father of three, drew from his own personal experiences in addressing parental concerns ranging from drugs to drinking to decision-making.

Firstly, the rabbi said, “You are not your child’s friend.” A parent’s primary job is to deliver his or her child to college and beyond, he further said as he expounded on shalshelet hakabbalah or the unbroken chain of transmission of the torah.

“You don’t need to be the cool parent,” he said, eliciting many smiles and approving nods from the group. “You child does not need to agree or approve of what you said, but he or she must follow.”

Parents voiced their concerns and experiences about various issues including partying, make-up and dressing up. One parent asked, “How much should you allow?”

Rabbi Kipnes replied with his own questions, “Is it important enough?” and “Can you back off or let it go?”

The important thing is letting your children know what your family values are. “Strive not to over-react and learn how to walk away if they’re still not hearing you,” he said of this all-too-familiar power struggle prevalent among teens and pre-teens.

More than a few parents brought up several incidents of underage drinking and inadequate adult supervision during parties.

“You want them to socialize and make friends so you let them attend these parties only to find out that the parents are nowhere or otherwise occupied,” said one mom.

Rabbi Kipnes reminded her about emunah (trust). “But trust and verify,” he said, recounting his own first-hand experiences of staying to supervise a party at another house and calling other parents to verify who’s really coming or not.

“Regarding your children's concern about these calls, assure them and let them know that their safety is your primary concern,” said the rabbi.

The rabbi also touched on emet (truth) and ahavah (love), important family values that should also be stressed, he said.

He advised the group, “Find other like-minded parents who share the same family values that you have.”

Rabbi Kipnes wrapped up the intense discussion by saying, “Childhood is too short and adulthood comes too quickly. Let them be children for the longest time.”

Parents found the discussion engaging and are ready for more, even first-timers like Talee Sands. “I learned so much and I will be back for the next one,” said the mom of a 12-year-old.

Repeat attendees like Wendy Spears look forward to these talks. Said the mom of two teens: “I usually come, listen and participate. There’s so much to learn and take home from these events.”