Recovering from Resentment

It’s a fact of life that people hurt each other. It happens all the time. Sometimes intentional – sometimes not. But how we handle it when it happens will have a great influence on the happiness and quality of our life.  If we don’t process life’s hurts properly, they can turn into resentments. And resentments, if not dealt with properly, can turn into hate.  Resentment is one of the biggest destroyers of relationships that there is.
Sometimes when I am counseling married people I hear them say, “I don’t love my wife or my husband anymore” “I don’t just have any more feelings” “I’m dead inside” “What’s wrong with me?”………. Well, I can tell you what’s wrong. It’s resentment – almost always, it’s resentment.  Resentment eats up energy like a black hole in space. Eventually it sucks us dry, and there is nothing left. But the good news is resentment can be dealt with. Let’s take a look at 1 Corinthians 13:5.
“Love keeps no record of wrongs…”1 Corinthians 13:5
The statement, “keeps no record” is actually an accounting term. It refers to keeping a ledger – which in this case is a list of wrongs that have been committed against us. The passage says love doesn’t do that. But the kind of love that this passage is talking about is NOT human love. It’s God’s love. It’s called agape love – which is unconditional love. And God is willing to give it to us anytime we need it. All we have to do is ask Him for it. Today we are going to build on that verse as we look at the issue of resentment. To help do that we are going to use some passages from the Book of Job. If anybody had a reason to be resentful – it was Job.  He was the wealthiest man of his time. But one day his whole world collapsed.  He lost everything. He went bankrupt.  His children were either murdered or abducted.  His wife didn’t support him. His friends were unsympathetic. And he contracted an incurable disease. Job had huge problems, and he summarized his situation in Job 6:1:
“If my troubles and grief were on a scale, they would weigh more than the sands of the sea.” Job 6:1
But Job didn’t react to his circumstances with resentment. Instead he redirected his emotions, and we can learn lot from him about how to do that. We are going to look at Job’s circumstances from three different perspectives:
The causes of resentment.The characteristics of resentment.The cures for resentment.So let’s start with the first cause of resentment. The first cause of resentment is what people say about us.  People can hurt us by their comments. Take a look at Job 12:5.
“You have not troubles, yet you make fun of me; you hit a man who is about to fall.” Job 12:5
In this passage Job was responding to the counsel of three friends. These guys came to comfort him, but they did just the opposite. They told Job that he had sinned against God and was being punished – and he had to repent. Of course none of that was true. These guys were truly messengers from Satan. Early in the story of Job Satan accused God of protecting Job. He said Job was righteous only because there was no adversity in his life. But if God allowed Job to be tested, his true character would come out. So God lowered His shield of protection and allowed Satan to have limited access. Notice God allowed limited access. Imagine if God had given Satan full access!
So back to our point. Words can hurt people. Especially when they are untrue. In the passage Job uses an expression that’s very interesting. He says being accused falsely by his friends is like being hit when you are down. It’s confusing and it hurts. Remember the old saying:  “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Well, that’s pure baloney!  What people say about us does hurt! And it tends to last.  I bet most of you remember hurtful things people said about you in the past. Let me ask you.  Do they still hurt today? Sometimes, Yes, No? Proverbs 12:18 says,
“Thoughtless words wound just as deeply as any sword.” Proverbs 12:18
And deep wounds take a long time to heal. OK that’s the first cause of resentment. Let’s talk about a second cause. A second cause of resentment is what people think about us. How do we know what people think about us? Well, many times they give us nonverbal clues – things like: body language. There’s facial expressions – smirks – raised eyebrows – rolling eyes…. and so on. And then there’s posture – things like crossed arms – looking down one’s nose – etc. And then there’s separation strategies like being ignored or excluded or distanced. Have you ever experienced any of these things? People can make us feel worthless, even when they don’t say anything. Here’s what Job said:
“You think you are better than I am and regard my troubles as proof of my guilt.”  Job 19:5
Job says his friends think they’re better than he is, and they are judging him. That’s another good way to hurt someone – act superior and judge them. That communicates a lack of worth.  We all have a basic need to be accepted and feel worthwhile.  Have you noticed that kids frequently compete for attention, because they want to be approved?  We do the same thing. We never outgrow this need. A third cause of resentment is what people do to us. People can hurt us by their actions. Take a  look at Job 19:19:
“My close friends detest me. Those I loved have turned against me.” Job 19:19
Notice the expression, “Those I loved”.  Job is talking about his closest friends. He’s had a longstanding relationship with them, and he loves them. And now they have turned against him. There’s tension here. Job expected the people he loved – to love him back. And when they didn’t – it confused him and it hurt.
I don’t know if you have ever noticed, but we rarely resent strangers. They’re not close enough to hurt us. It’s the people that are closest to us that have the greatest potential to hurt us. That’s why resentment is very common in families. In fact you will probably find it there more than anyplace else.  Parents do abuse kids – unintentionally most of the time. Siblings torment each other. Spouses neglect each other. Family members manipulate each other.  And so on. In Job’s case he says those I love were not there for me – in fact they were against me. OK, these are three common causes of resentment, and you can see that are all people related.  Next week we are going to move on and take a look at some of the characteristics of resentment. In the meantime, have a blessed week……………..