Grief and Loss

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about grief. It has struck a chord within me personally because a few months ago I suffered a loss; the loss of a relationship. It is this personal loss, and some words people have said to me regarding my loss that has me pondering grief in its entirety.

Grief is a universal word because it is one that we are all familiar with. We are all familiar with the feelings that accompany grief. We have all been struck with this sadness, and pain that seems to affect our entire being. For me, the feelings of sadness and pain can flood my mind so quickly that I can actually feely my entire body physically ache. We all experience feelings of anger and frustration, also. It is as if grief has this way of almost forcing us to question everything, and this can spiral into an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness.

If you google the word grief the majority of pages that come up refer to bereavement which indicates mourning the death of a loved one. Now, I know how incredibly devastating death is. Most of us have experienced first-hand what it is like to try and function in the aftermath of death. I am not in any way minimizing bereavement; I just want to make the point that grief encompasses more than just bereavement.

It is invalidating to try and limit grief to just one kind of loss. I have had more than one person say to me that they don’t think they have the right to be upset because after all, it is just a job loss or they knew they should not have gotten involved with that person to begin with. I say that this is unfair; why must we be so unfair to ourselves? There are many different kinds of loss that people experience: from the end of relationships or friendships to unemployment to ill health to being estranged from one’s family. Really, what grief signifies is some sort of loss whether it be tangible or abstract.

It is also important to remember that there is absolutely no time table on grief. Over the holidays, after someone asked me about the end of my relationship, I started crying. I could not help it. When this person witnessed the way that I had reacted to their question they said, “It has been three months. Shouldn’t you be able to talk about this without crying by now?” The answer is quite simple. Who are you to tell me how I should be feeling or how quickly I should be healing?

I know that in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) there are a lot of time frames set for specific symptoms, but quite frankly the idea of someone being able to determine how long a person needs to grieve is ridiculous. We are all different people, and we all grieve in different ways. I am sure that everyone has heard that before, but it is true. We all grieve in different ways. Each person will have their own unique process, and some may need more time than others.

No matter what kind of loss you are experiencing there will be good days and bad days. Some days will be better than others and you will feel perfectly fine, but there will also be days where the smallest thing will trigger you and the grief will just hit you hard. I know that it will be difficult to do, but try not to be so hard on yourself. You are allowed to grieve, and you are allowed to be sad and angry. Most importantly you have the right to grieve no matter what the loss may be, and you have the right to take your time with your own healing process.