Social Skills Classes for Teens: The Social Fake Will Get You a Date

Spring is in the air--the ice plant is blooming, the beaches are beckoning and, in our office, prom is the buzz. Our teenagers are eager to get a date. Once they feel comfortable with their social thinking therapists, the first thing our boys wonder is how to ask a girl on a date.

How do you ask someone on a date? Does it start with a friendly smile and a simple “hi” as you pass a girl in the hallway? First chance you get, do you follow that greeting with a simple “How you doing?” If the girl responds favorably, do you pause the next time you meet to ask about the history test? And if all goes well, maybe, next time, you ask something more personal, perhaps about her weekend? You put yourself in a situation where you will have an opportunity to interact with that girl and then ask questions to start conversations and find out more about her.

It’s all about reading social cues! And thinking about others! And asking questions about them! And looking interested in their answers (even if you’re not). We call this the social fake. Some of our teenagers are disastrous at this!

Evan was one of those kids. When we first met Evan, he typically entered a room with his shoulders hunched and his eyes downcast, so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact with anyone. When our eyes landed on the crown of his thick brown head of curls, we said, “Hi, Evan”, to which he grumpily responded “Hi”. We followed that up with “How you doing today?”, which prompted him to avert his eyes and whisper “fine”. Being the social-thinking specialists that we are, we persevered, “How’s school going”. Again, under his breath, Evan repeated “fine”...end of conversation as far as Evan was concerned!

If we weren’t so determined, we would have surely given up by this time, but that’s not us. We asked Evan about his history class, church choir and preparing for his driver’s test. We were relentless in our quest to draw Evan into a conversation. Sometimes, when he felt like it, he blessed us with a few sentences in response to our questions. Then the conversation stopped until we asked another question.

Making matters worse, when we did attempt to transition the conversation to ourselves, Evan’s responses were often sarcastic and offensive, (unbeknownst to him) which deflated rather than continued the conversation. Tessa once tried to start a conversation about making a cheesecake for dessert; rather than giving a supportive comment like “Wow, I love cheesecake!” or “You must be a good baker!”, Evan’s response was a sarcastic, “I bet that was stinky!” What more could Tessa say? End of conversation.

Evan only knew how to talk about himself! It’s a common problem! And not just amongst teenagers!

Maybe you know people like this....They can answer your questions and talk on and on about themselves. But they don’t reciprocate...they don’t show interest in hearing about you. Hmmm....what’s wrong with this picture? How satisfying is this conversation for you?

The problem for Evan and most of these individuals is their lack of awareness about the rules. What are the rules for conversation? Let’s make it explicit:

Speaker 1 initiates a greeting;

Speaker 2 greets back.

Speaker 1 asks how her conversational partner is doing and;

Speaker 2 responds and asks back.

Speaker 1 remembers something about Speaker 2’s life and initiates a conversation about that.

Speaker 2 answers the question.

Speaker 1 gives a supportive comment depending on the subject like “Cool!”, “Nice!” or “Oh no!”

Speaker 1 thinks of a follow-up question to keep Speaker 2 talking; if your friend went to Mammoth,you ask about the snow; if your friend fell off his skateboard, you ask if he went to urgent care.

Then, eventually, Speaker 1 gets to transition the conversation to himself. It should be a related topic in order to keep the conversational flow. If you’re talking about Mammoth, you can mention that you’re going to Big Bear. If you’re talking about a skateboard injury, you can tell about your last sports calamity.

And the conversational flow goes on and on and on... It’s a two way street. And if you can’t play both roles, you’re a loser at conversation.

And you have to be a conversationalist to get a date!

So back to Evan. We started with his body stance...pull your shoulders back, look up and greet people as you enter the room. Say “hi” to anyone with whom you make eye contact. Assess the situation, find a friendly face and ask how that person is doing. If that person still looks interested in this conversation with receptive facial expressions and body language, find out about their weekend or just comment on the weather, if you have nothing else to say. Make an appropriate supportive comment depending on their response. Make sure your comment is sincere or else gentle kidding accompanied by a smile, not offensive sarcasm. And then ask a follow-up question to keep that person talking.

Eventually, if this person still looks interested in this conversation, you can segue to a similar topic about you. If this person knows the rules and is interested in you and has time to talk, she will show the same conversational courtesies toward you.

Evan has learned to play this conversational game.

He is practicing on friends at school, especially girls. He has a weekly homework assignment to say “Hi” to at least one girl a week; then a follow-up assignment to learn her name, remember it, and start conversations with her throughout the week.

He can even fake interest in prom dresses and Taylor Swift, if that’s what the girl wants to discuss. Because Evan knows he must feign interest in those subjects to show interest in that girl.

Evan is planning to ask a young lady to the prom. He has even started taking dance lessons, because he knows that boys who can dance are chic magnets.

We think that young lady will accept, because Evan is a cool kid. It’s not because he gets straight A’s. That won’t get him a date. It’s because he’s kind, shows interest in other people and has a funny sense of humor. And Evan knows the art of conversation.

The best time to learn the rules for conversation is much earlier than high school. In fact, we start teaching conversational etiquette to our preschoolers. Preschool is the time to learn to keep mental files on people and ask questions about them. Think of how much easier it will be for our kids to ease into groups in the classroom and on the playground, because they know these rules.

If you know someone, child or adult, who needs help with social interaction, call us at 858.509.1131 or visit our website (www.speak4success.com). We run social thinking groups for all ages. It is never too early or late to begin!