That’s Life: Halloween Before the Election

NOTE: Patch blogs are opinion pieces by local writers. Click here to blog on Patch. 

A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves. - Edward R. Murrow

The latest polls show me behind by only 2.5 per cent. That’s with an error factor of plus or minus 4.8 percent. We think (my first wife Linda and I)  the upcoming multiple mass mailers, TV commercials, radio announcements, blimp ads, highway bill boards, Safeway shopping cart ads, Halloween candy with “vote for Ted “ on the wrappers, and nagging phone calls at all hours will change a lot of minds and sweep me on to victory. I tried to think of the scariest Halloween costume that would make people shudder when they saw me and decided to dress as a Washington politician…See photo; Good choice and pretty good costume huh? It’ll scare the hell out of some folks.

I’m going to make my remaining funds go as far as it can so be ready for the  blitz…but wait, I only have enough of my money left (from the $500 I loaned myself) for a blintz …whatever…everyone will be surprised by my last minute campaign plans as I’m either swept into, or from office. I’m Ted Hickman and I approve of this message…kind of…but then again I might change my mind if the polls show people don’t like it…but then again…

Just think only about 10 more days of this carp (remember the publisher won’t let me use the word crap) and our phones, television and lives can get back to just concentrating on the hectic upcoming holiday season…ohhh what a relief!

Local Stuff

• Don’t forget the FREE Dixon Game Clubs Junior Pheasant Hunt coming up on Nov.3. If you have a junior with a hunting license (under 16) have them call 678-9155 to make a reservation…today. A club member will get back to them with the details. Lunch is available for only $5. 
• With Veteran’ Day just around the corner it’s a good time to remind Vets to go to the Veteran’s Services Office in Fairfield in the county building at 675 Texas St. and take your DD214 or discharge and get your FREE Veteran Discount ID card. Solano County will be waiving all fees at its facilities for current military or vets from Nov. 10^th thru the 16. For free boat launching and free parking…such a deal…hope it doesn’t break the county.

 No Moaning Please…

• I got invited to a Halloween party and was told to "dress to kill"....apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
• I know of a man who spent his entire adult life collecting memorabilia about wonder woman, Joan of arc and Florence nightingale.  Apparently he was a heroin addict.
• When eating in a German restaurant, no matter how bad the appetizer is, the wurst is yet to come.
• The bible teaches one to love thy neighbor...and the Kama sutra tells one how.
• A plastic surgeons office is the only place in the world where no one gets offended when you pick your nose.
• Headline:  baby born with mustache.  Mother tickled to death.
• Why is turtle wax so expensive?  Turtles have such tiny ears.
• My wife left me a note telling me I should try out for "American idle".  But the joke's on her because she spelled it wr...hey, wait just a damn minute!
• Ok, so if the Jacksonville jaguars are known as the 'jags', and the Tampa bay buccaneers are known as the 'bucs', what does that make the Tennessee titans?
• Say what you will about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
• One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enuff to marry your daughter could be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
• Once I was driving thru a construction site and the sign said SPEED LIMIT IS 35 AHEAD.  There were four of us in the car so we were thru there in no time.
• Steven hawking came home from his first date in 10 years with his glasses smashed, a cut lip, broken wrist, a sprained ankle, skinned knees and assorted bruises and scrapes.  Apparently she stood him up!
• With high-definition television everything looks bigger and wider.....sorta like going to your 25th high school reunion
• Sometimes I really miss drinking.  It’s really sad to think that the next time I get that "I can't feel my face" feeling I’ll be having a stroke.
• Keep in mind that if there really is a god who created the universe with all its splendor and all its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will NOT use as His messenger some schmuck on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

The Choir...

It was visitor’s day at the mental hospital.  All the patients were standing in the courtyard and singing "Aver Maria".  They were singing it beautifully.  But oddly, each of them were holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in absolute wonder at the performance and then approached the conductor.  "I am a retired choir director," he said, "this is one of the best choirs I have ever heard." "Yes, they are good and I am very, very proud of them," the conductor replied. "You should take them on tour" the visitor said, "what are they called?" "Surely that's obvious", the choir director responded, “they’re the moron tapanapple choir." Like I said earlier…no moaning.

Check out the rest of Ted's column at TedHickman.com. 

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com