When is it OK to Scold Others' Kids?

So the other day I had what can only be called a less than stellar parenting moment.

I shall spare the details of what shall henceforth be known as The Parking Garage Incident.

I will only say that my son—who was acting a little silly (at my encouragement) ended up really annoying an older woman who happened to be walking to her car in one of downtown Walnut Creek’s many parking garages. She immediately snapped at my son and told him his behavior was inappropriate for a public place.

He apologized. I apologized and told the woman that it wasn’t his fault, that I accepted full responsibility because I was the one who was egging him on (fine parenting moment, there). Yes, we were being immature but it was the last day of school and we were in good spirits enjoying each other’s company and the prospect of the summer ahead of us.

Yet, the woman continued to berate my son, going on and on about how we weren’t in a playground. It's not like he was running around, being reckless in the parking garage—just being a little silly, as kids his age are wont to do now and then. She kept saying how he needed to  learn to behave properly.

It made me especially rageful because I had explained to the woman that it was my fault yet she continued to berate my son to the point that he cried. Being painfully socially awkward and overly sensitive myself, I walked away silently seething, probably more angry and humiliated than I should have been.

It brings to mind another incident, which occurred several years ago in a Costco in Illinois. My overzealous preschooler reached for a sample at the exact moment I cautioned him to wait until he was served. But he was too quick for me and already had the sample in hand. The sample lady glared at us, scolded my son, and made a big production out of sweeping the entire contents of the sample tray into the trash, saying, “Those have all been contaminated now. I can’t serve them to customers.”

Really? What is the purpose of such mean spiritedness, of making a child cry, if the intent is not to actually make the child cry and/or humiliate the parents? Wouldn’t a simple, “Next time, please wait until I hand you the sample,” have sufficed?

Which brings me to my question. When is it appropriate to scold another person’s child, especially when it is a child you don’t know? I spend a lot of time in my kids’ classrooms and I have spoken firmly to kids, many of whom I know well, or well enough, considering my almost-8-year old has been in school with the same kids since kindergarten. I comment when their behavior gets out of hand, but I prefer to let the teacher handle disciplinary issues. There have even been times, once or twice, when we’ve been at a playground or other public place and I’ve had to talk to an unattended child about inappropriate behavior.

But I hesitate to really yell at a child I don’t know, especially when the parents seem to be taking responsibility. As a parent, I understand that no matter how well we teach our children, there will be times when they act like children and misbehave. Scolding a little kid—making him cry—in front of his parents instead of talking to the parent, in my opinion, crosses a line. 

It’s not that I think my kids are precious, and should only be spoken to in soft and encouraging tones. My go-to reaction is to yell, probably more than I should, when my kids misbehave at home. It’s not something I am particularly proud of and I’ve been trying to rein those tendencies in. It’s more that I think it is super rude to go out of one’s way to be mean to a child when the parent is clearly and capably handling the situation. If I am not around, then all bets are off. If my kids are misbehaving in class, please feel free to put them in their place. If they’re putting themselves or another person in danger, step in! If, one day many years in the future, they get caught texting in a movie theater then I hope somebody will tell them to knock it off or even kick them out.

But to continue to angrily yell at a child after he has apologized, after his parent has apologized, is just as rude as the initial offending behavior.

Fellow parents, have your kids ever been scolded by a stranger? In what sort of situation, if ever, is it appropriate to yell at another person’s children?