Blog: Advice to Mothers

Willie Nelson famously recommended, "Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys." Willie has been amply rewarded for that musical advice. Now, I have a tip for mothers too, but I don't expect to become rich and famous as a result. My suggestion could be couched this way: "Mamas, don't scare the crap out of your babies, leaving them psychologically damaged for life." I know it doesn't scan as well as the cowboy ditty, but if I can save one kid from turning out like me, it will be reward enough.  

My own mother was constantly dumping homely sayings on me without regard for their ruinous effects. For example, the well-known children's prayer that ends, "If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." What?! I could go to sleep one night and never wake up again? And I wasn't even bad that day? Scary as hell!

Mom had a favorite poem of a decidedly sentimental cast. It was called "Little Boy Blue," about a young child who puts his favorite toys on a shelf in his bedroom and instructs them to stay there until he needs them again. Then, unaware of the danger, he falls asleep. The poem ends, speaking of the toy soldiers and little horses, "And they wonder, as waiting the long years through, what has become of our Little Boy Blue, since he kissed and put them there." What?! An innocent kid dies in the night again? How do I stay awake? Where's the coffee? How about a mug of cocoa? I still get chills reading that poem, and I'm not kidding.

Mommy also was not as careful as she might have been while discussing current films. When I was about 10, a very popular movie came out called, "The Snake Pit."

Was it about snakes tossed into a hole, I asked her. Rattlers? Cobras? That could be kind of exciting. No, she said, it's about a woman who loses her mind and has to have her brain shocked with electricity. What?! I could somehow misplace my mind and need to have my head plugged into an electrical outlet? And you didn't even have to fall asleep for this one? Day or night, I was screwed.

So, mothers, consider yourselves warned. Stay away from the scary prayers. Forego the dismal poems. Don't explain to your children what movies are about. Sit them down with a DVD player and an endless supply of Spider Man movies. What?! I could be bitten by a radioactive spider and turned into a human arachnid? I give up.