Patch Blog: Your Dog Is Not a Baby--Silver Lake Mom Calls It Like It Is

Chris Voltaire continues his coverage on the Silver Lake Female Festival with an excerpt from the show I'm Not from Here, But My Kids Are, written by writer/performer Stacie Burrows and by Shannon Noel. 

Here Stacie shares insight on the lines crossed between Angelenos' pets and kids.

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There seems to be some confusion here in L.A. surrounding dogs and babies.

And, out of the goodness of my heart, I am going to clear it up,once and for all.

Your dog is not a baby, so please stop referring to it is as one.  

Here are just a few facts:

You probably got your dog from the pound, a breeder, or a pet store.  There is one place I can assure you, you didn’t get your dog.  Your puppy did not come out of your body.  So therefore, your dog is not a baby.  I have had two babies.  I know what it looks and feels like to have a baby.  I have also had many dogs in my life.  I know what that looks like and feels like.  Both situations are rewarding.  But, alas, they are completely different. 

Still not convinced? Here is more proof:

When my baby Charlie was born, he suffered from severe acid reflux and couldn’t sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time, around the clock, for over a year.  One of my childless friends comforted me by saying that she knew exactly what it was like to have a kid because that first night at home with her puppy, he cried all night long.  Yeah, he might have cried, but he wasn’t crying because he wanted you to nurse him!  You don’t see women at the dog park with their shirts slightly raised with a tail hanging out of it.  Your dog is not a baby!

You can’t crate-train a baby.  Sure, you can put a baby in a crib, but the minute you put a lid on it and lock it, that’s illegal.

You only wish you could put a bark collar on your kid.

If your kid needs to poop, you can’t just open the door and show him to the grass.

If you lose your kid, you can’t just hang a few flyers around the neighborhood and go on into work.  That would be highly irresponsible.

I have seen with my own eyes, a doggy Bjorn and it’s just not right!

I have also seen people walking dogs in strollers.  Get that dog out of that stroller.  Your dog can walk.  You know who can’t walk?  Babies!  Thus, the need for a stroller. Get it?

Stop treating your dog like a person.  I don’t treat my kids like animals.  Ok, so I did use one of those monkey-backpack child leashes on my youngest, but that’s just good parenting!

Look, I get it, your dog is really cute and you love him.  And I will be obligated to comment on facebook pictures of your dog wearing clothing and crazy hats.  I will play along.  Because I love dogs, too.  They’re awesome.  But, they’re just not actual babies.  That’s all I’m saying.  And as long as you accept that and admit that, we’re not going to have a problem.

www.notfromhereshow.com and list the dates & times (Sunday, March 18th @ 7, Sunday, April 15th @ 7, and Sunday, April 22nd @ 7) at the Lyric Hyperion Theatre & Cafe