Elk Grove native is 'Going Gay'

ELK GROVE, Calif. – For five years, Elk Grove resident Tim Rymel made his living working at an organization that helped Christian men and women reconcile their same sex attractions with their faith. Now, Rymel is sharing his own story of struggling as a gay man in a conservative Christian environment, how destructive “reparative therapy” is, and how churches can better reach out to the LGBT community in his new book Going Gay: My Journey from Evangelical Christian Minister to Self-acceptance, Love, Life, and Meaning.

Rymel entered Love in Action’s residential program in 1990 to deal with his unwanted same sex attraction, the next year becoming the organization’s Outreach Director. During that time, Love in Action became a media sweetheart with its leaders making appearances on a variety of popular television shows, including Oprah Winfrey, Good Morning America and The 700 Club. Love in Action also became heavily involved with the Christian right movement and helped unify the Christian and political right against allowing rights to LGBT people. In 1995, Rymel married, later leaving his work at Love in Action and having two kids with his wife. In 2001, Rymel’s life began to fall apart. His wife left him. Feeling he had failed as a Christian, a minister, an ex-gay and a husband, Rymel spiraled into depression. Through debilitating depression and anxiety, Rymel began to question everything he had believed, slowly coming to terms with his sexuality, his faith and his past.

Going Gay not only recounts Rymel’s journey but provides a starting point for dialogue about LGBT inclusion in the church.

“I want the conservative church to see the painful reality that many of their own believers go through to come to terms with their inborn homosexuality,” Rymel said. “I wrote the book ‘as one of their own’ to create dialogue and cause them to rethink what they believe and what the Bible says about homosexuality.”

Going Gay is available in hardcover, paperback and as an ebook.

“Going Gay is a heartbreaking, thought-provoking account of one man’s journey to accept and understand himself,” said Justin Lee, founder and Executive Director of Gay Christian Network. “In a culture where faith and sexuality seem often to be at war, the stories of those caught in the crossfire are critically important. Readers may not agree with all of Rymel’s views, but this is a story worth telling and a story worth understanding.”

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MEET TIM RYMEL

Raised in a Pentecostal home, Tim had no concept of homosexuality as a kid. When he realized at 14 that he was gay he knew two things: He had to pray that God would take it away and he must never tell anyone. A young, gifted musician, Tim entered the ministry early. His struggle with intense anxiety and depression, however, caused him to attempt suicide by the time he was 22. In the midst of it all, he maintained his faith and commitment to God.

In 1990, Tim entered Love in Action’s one-year live-in program for Christian men struggling with same sex attraction. He experienced emotional healing with the anxiety and believed God would continue to bring healing to his sexual orientation.

In 1991, Tim became the Outreach Director for Love in Action at a time when the culture war between the Christian right and the LGBT community was heating up. The ministry took part in the making of The Gay Agenda, a video produced by Focus on the Family’s Family Research Council, which solidified the Christian Right and created allies in the political arena.

Soon, Love in Action staff members were making headlines around the nation with appearances on, among other shows, Oprah Winfrey, Sally Jesse Raphael, World News Tonight with Peter Jennings, and Christian television’s The 700 Club and Coral Ridge Ministries. Sharing his testimony, Tim spoke at universities and churches around the country, appearing on over 30 radio and television shows. Additionally, he helped pioneer an approach to reaching gay teens and spoke at Exodus International Conferences.

He was married in 1995 and left the ex-gay ministry a year later. The bliss of marriage was short-lived and by 2001, now the father of two children, his wife left him. Feeling that he had failed as a Christian, a minister, an ex-gay and a husband, Tim spiraled into depression.

Over a period of six years, in virtual isolation, he began to rethink everything he believed to be true. Tim worked as a corporate trainer for several Fortune 500 companies and went back to school. After earning a bachelor’s degree in business management, he went on to study cognitive development and transformational learning, and earned a master’s degree in adult education. Slowly, Tim came to terms with his sexuality, his faith and his past.

He is also the author of the business book, Everything I Learned About Management I Learned from Having a Kindergartner (CK Publishing, 2012).

Tim lives with his fiancée, two teenage children, a dog named Habib, and a cat named Sam, in Northern California. He is a self-described nerd, who is passionate about education, psychology, neuroscience, and black Gospel music.

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Q&A WITH TIM RYMEL

What is ex-gay ministry/reparative therapy?

Ex-gay ministry, aka reparative therapy, Sexual Orientation Change Efforts (SOCE) or conversion therapy, seeks to change an individuals sexual orientation (always LGBT) to heterosexual. Methods include everything from prayer, Bible study, church attendance and accountability, to shock therapy and, from history, lobotomies. Common reasons proponents of reparative therapy give for people being LGBT is poor parental relationships and molestation.

Does ex-gay ministry/reparative therapy work?

Overwhelmingly, mainstream therapists agree that attempting to change one’s sexual orientation not only does not work, but it is harmful. Recent research, however speaks to sexual fluidity among both men and women, which may account for why some people are able to have and maintain mixed orientation marriages. Regardless, no evidence shows that therapy of any kind has altered anyone’s sexual orientation.

What would you like to say to people now that you didn’t say as ex-gay leader?

Humans are incredibly complex and diverse by design. Research shows that gender and sexuality cross multiple lines. People typically comply to the culture in which they were raised or live (e.g. social, religious, political), but complying does not constitute conformity. In other words, just because people take on typical gender or sexuality roles, does not negate the actual complexity of them.

Why did you write your story? And why now?

I wrote my story to initially face the shame I felt as a failed minister, husband and ex-gay. In the process, I realized the destruction that was left behind by my involvement in ex-gay ministry and the Evangelical Christian Church in general. No one should live in that kind of shame. I wanted to tell people the truth about ex-gay, particularly those in the Evangel Church. I wanted to start an open dialogue as “one of their own.” Why now? It took me almost 25 years after leaving the ex-gay ministry to face my shame, anger at God and embarrassment of failure.

How can parents help their gay children?

1) Realize that homosexuality is not your fault. Much research has been done in the last 20 years that points to a number of factors for homosexuality and transgenderism. Upbringing is not one of them. We in the ex-gay movement were wrong, and so were they psychoanalysts nearly 100 years ago. Much of that information is still proliferated by reparative therapy and fundamentalist church organizations. Let go of your guilt.

2) Seek support for yourself. Organizations such as PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) exist to help people adjust to the news. It probably took your loved one a long time to accept themselves, it may take you a while to adjust, too. Loving organizations are out there.

3) Allow yourself to go through the grieving process and accept that life for your child may not look exactly like you thought it would. The grieving process is perfectly natural and normal. Don’t go through it alone.

4) Provide a safe place for your child at home. Though things are getting better in the world for LGBT people, there is nothing like a loving, nurturing environment from family.

5) Love and support your child like you always have. Nothing has changed. They are still the same person.

What can be done about LGBT issues in the church?

1) The reality is that there are LGBT people in the fundamental, evangelical churches, just as there are LGBT people in society. Religious labels and affiliations have absolutely no bearing on whether or not someone is LGBT.

2) Remember that homosexuality is a new concept that didn’t exist until the 19th century and the term changed definitions in the mid-20th century. There was no Biblical definition or context about homosexuality when the Bible was written. Just as Christianity has changed and morphed through the centuries, so has the culture around sexuality. Before there can be a discussion about LGBT in church and Scriptural interpretation, there has to be a discussion on culture and context.

3) Shaming people never works to change anyone. Forcing people into heterosexual marriages wreaks disaster on entire families and not just the individual struggling with LGBT issues.

4) There is no such thing as “compassion without compromise.” As I always say, try that phrase out at home on your loved ones before using it to address “sinners.” It doesn’t work in any situation. True compassion always requires compromise somewhere. Always.

5) Be open to growing and learning. Find out that God is bigger than you think.