At What Point Is it Okay to Put Yourself Before Your Family?

Dear Edahn, 

I'm moving out of my house in a month and feel like I'm abandoning my family. My family life has been chaotic. I was molested by my brother when I was 13. The same brother that abused me suffers from a condition that keeps him dependent on those around him (me). My mother has gone through cancer and has always been manically depressed; I mother her more than she mothers me. I strove for approval, but my straight-A report card only received a "you could have done better if you didn't play games." 

I've been expected to stand strong for the family since I was 14. I initially rose to the challenge, but after a few years I started crashing. I'm 20 now and the issue is that I'm filled with guilt because I want to move out, but I feel like I'm being a selfish daughter. I'm in a relationship with a loving man right now, and I can't but help be confused/suspicious about his kindness, and I feel I need to get out before I receive whatever pain I think must surely be coming. So, does family always come first?

FAMILY DOESN'T COME FIRST when your family takes advantage of you and mistreats you, just like your husband or boyfriend doesn't come first when he's abusive. That's the easy part. You need to set up boundaries with your family so that you can live your own life and be your own person. That doesn't mean you never help them, but it means that you first have to make sure that you're healthy before you can start to help others. It's just like the safety precautions on an airplane, when the crew instructs the passengers to fasten their own oxygen masks before helping their child. If you're not fully equipped to deliver care in an emergency, everyone's going to lose in the end.

It's really important that you appreciate what it means to be "fully equipped". A lot of people like to rush into the battlefield and start fixing and serving other people. When asked about their own problems they may say "oh I'm fine" or "I'm not perfect, but I can still help others," but helping people is trickier than it looks. You really, really have to develop peace and solid self-respect before you can go out and help others, because that peace and self-respect with drastically change your understanding of how to help people. When you lack that inner-respect and peace, you can guide people in the wrong directions, even though they seem intellectually and theoretically sound, and even though so-called "experts" will advocate that method. 

A lot of people who are in the helping industry, even many therapists I've gotten to know (who don't read this blog...paranoia averted), give very questionable guidance. I can see that they don't have a deep appreciation of inner peace and self-respect or self-love. Their inner life is filled with conflict, and their guidance reflects that. They're not just trying to help: they're trying to earn the respect and love of their clients, not realizing that it'll substitute for genuine self-respect and self-love. It's not that they have no wisdom or talent, but they haven't invested enough time developing them to fruition. It's like trying to tutor someone in Statistics without having finished the course yourself: you're gonna get confused and not do the bang-up job you could do if you had waited a little longer and put in the extra effort.

In sum, I do think helping other people be happy is admirable. In fact, I think finding happiness and sharing it with others is the ultimate way to find purpose in life. But you can't share something that you don't yet have yourself. Draw some boundaries with your family, assertively, but with respect and care. That'll free you up to start exploring who you are outside of the role you play with your family. It'll also give you a chance to start meditating or yogatating. It'll feel uncomfortable at first because you're so used to playing the catetaking role, but I think eventually you'll see that it needed to be done in order to give yourself the same love and care you nobly wish for others.

Got a questions? Topic suggestions? Prestigious accolades? Email AskEdahn@gmail.com.