What Do I Say to Someone Who is Grieving?

One morning last December I lay in bed reading the news on my smartphone when I let out a scream. My wife came running. “Oh no,” I cried, “This is impossible, we just spoke!” “What is it?” She said. I turned the phone towards her and there was the headline, “Executive run over and killed by Calabasas Sheriff Identified.” It was my oldest friend in Los Angeles. He was struck down in the prime of his life while riding his bike, in the bike lane, on Mulholland Highway. He was a beloved husband, father, and successful attorney.

I’m up early so I immediately started calling our mutual friends. As the day wore on we repeatedly checked in and commiserated. We recalled stories, shared disbelief, and comforted each other. What I didn’t know was that that would be the easy part.

As reality set in I realized that I needed to phone his family. But what would I say? What if I said something wrong? Their pain would be unimaginable so how would I comfort them? These questions swirled in my head and I began to grow fearful. I even put off calling, which made me feel horribly guilty.

The irony is that my wife, Lauren Schneider, is Clinical Director of Children’s and Adolescent Programs at Our House Grief Support, the leading non-profit grief support center in California. Her counterpart is Fredda Wasserman, Clinical Director of Adult Services and Education for Our House. I am on the Valley Advisory Board for Our House. Experts surround me so how could I be so fearful? Shouldn’t I have just the right words at my fingertips? The answer is no. No one really has just the right words to say to someone who is grieving - particularly when it hits so close to home.

Soon, my friends started phoning me with the same apprehension. “What should I say? What if I say something thoughtless?” In desperation I phoned my wife and explained our collective fear to her. “Oh, let me email you information that will help you,” was her calm response.

It was then that I realized my fear was okay. That I was not alone, and there was caring help and support available.

The handouts taught me that when people are grieving, they often feel isolated from the rest of the world. Fredda Wasserman writes, “You want to support your friend or family member who is grieving. How will you find the words to express your condolences? Should you mention the person who died? Will it upset them if you do? Will they appreciate your sympathy or think you are insensitive if that’s the only thing you talk about? While there is no way of knowing exactly how what you say will be received, don’t let that stop you from reaching out.”

Fredda sent me a few phrases to avoid as well as a list of positive expressions of condolence. I immediately forwarded the list to my anxious friends who were most appreciative.

I thought I’d share a small portion of each list, as it was more than helpful to me before making the call. The full list is available here through Our House.

PHRASES TO AVOID

Understanding the internal reactions of grievers in italics below may help you understand why these are phrases you might want to avoid

“He’s in a better place.”

Yes, that is comforting to know about HIM, but as for me, I think the better place would be to have him right here with me.

“She’s with God - God needed another angel.”

What about my need for her? I can’t help but wonder why would God do this to my family and me?

“It was for the best.”

Best for whom? Who makes that judgment?

“I know just how you feel.”

No you don’t. You don’t have a clue how I feel!

Here is a small sample of ideas that you might say that will be appreciated by grievers. Again, the complete list is available through Our House Grief Support.

POSITIVE EXPRESSIONS OF CONDOLENCE

“My condolences.” or “I am so sorry to hear of the death of your brother.”

Saying this acknowledges the death and gives the griever an opportunity to talk about the person who died and about how he is feeling.

“I can’t imagine what you are going through and how you are feeling. Tell me what it’s like for you.”

This demonstrates that you are truly focusing on the griever and curious about what life is like for them.

“I miss your dad, too; he told the best jokes.”

When you recall fond memories of the person who died, it makes the grieving person feel good that others also cared deeply about his dear one.

Fredda goes on to say, “Remember that your friend will move through their grief process in his or her own way, in his or her own time. Be there for them and accept their grief without judgment. They will continue to need your support. Your thoughtful words and actions will be appreciated not only now, but for many weeks, months, and even years to come.”

With new confidence I phoned my friend’s wife. She was warm and thankful that I called and I felt wonderful being there and supporting her. She wanted to talk about her husband and hear my stories of our times together. I told her that I wanted to come by for a visit and she told me the door was open, “24/7.”

I understand that everyone’s experience is different when dealing with grief. I know that it is okay to not know what say, as there are only a handful of experts on the subject. But I am thankful that I had a resource like Our House Grief Support Center to go to and that is why I thought I’d share my experience with you.

-Owen Husney

Located in West Los Angeles and Woodland Hills, OUR HOUSE offers grief support, education, resources and hope. www.ourhouse-grief.org. 888-417-1444.