Bath Salts: They’re Not Just For Breakfast Any More

You know, I’ve done some drugs in my day. Not a lot, but some. Okay, two. No wait – three. After all, I graduated summa cum loaded from Humboldt (aka Marijuana) State University. Or maybe it was magna, whatever, who remembers those things?

But mind-altering substances have changed since then and I’m too chicken to do that any more. And the latest trending drug to hit the markets is this stuff called bath salts. I don’t even know what that is. I suppose I should look it up.

Hold on…

OK, it’s a designer drug containing MPDV (methylenedioxypyrovalerone) and is sold in mini marts under such names as Ivory Wave, Bolivian Bath, and Vanilla Sky. This powder can be snorted, smoked, or ingested. It is labeled “not for human consumption”, and it’s totally legal (in most states) to sell them.

That seems kind of ridiculous. What on earth are they for if not for human consumption? Show me a guy who claims it’s plant food and I’ll show you a meth addict.

When I first reported that some guy killed his neighbor’s goat and was subsequently found in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties next to the victim and high on bath salts, I just assumed they were talking about your ordinary flowery soap product. I also assumed the underwear came from his Aunt Charlotte who ordered them out of a catalog for his birthday.

You would think people that crazy would be the same kind of people who would rather save the money and the trouble of getting dressed (more or less) to go to the neighborhood Stop-n-Snort and simply search the cabinet under the kitchen sink for some cheap and nasty blow.

And what are the nefarious moustache-twirling shopkeepers who contribute to this crap thinking? Anything for a dollar? Really?

I consider myself a compassionate person, until jackasses go nuts like this. Then I can’t tell you what I think should be done to them, because my solution, like any generic kitchen cleanser, is also cheap and nasty.

OK, I’ll tell you. But you have to promise you didn’t hear it from me because that’s all I need, a bunch of crazy people gettin’ all crazy in the comments section with their crazy talk, spewing stuff like: “How dare you profane my relations! He can’t help it. He’s sick. He needs help. He was abused as a child. I should know, I abused  him. And another thing… blah blah blah….. (plus a bunch of misspelled name-calling and incoherent cuss words and the whole thing in ALL CAPS, not to mention the abuse of exclamation points.)”

For the sake of pronoun efficiency, let’s assume it’s a guy. I would give him one last chance to go to rehab and the second he relapses, have him thrown into a six-foot deep hole with a bunch of White Lightning, or Hurricane Charlie, or whatever the nearest impulse buy section is selling and tell him to go to town.

Or maybe just go smack the guy who sold all that crap to him.

Twice.

With a hammer.