Whose Life is Martha Stewart's 'Living' ... Living?

I was given a few issues of Martha Stewart's "Living" magazines and apparently - and I was unaware of this - Martha needs a calendar to remind her of all her daily duties. The to-do list includes very important tasks like "season wooden cutting boards," "give catnip to all the cats" and "prune weeping willows in the wetland while the ground is frozen." Though I'd much prefer to see her doing the latter in the midst of a sweltering, humid thunderstorm, I have to ask: WTH, Martha?

Does anyone really do any of these things? Seriously, please, does anyone out there really give a crap whether Martha Stewart managed to check "cut pussy willows for arrangements" off of her to-do list? I know there are only two humans that read this (that would be me and the editor) but if either of us know of anyone who gives a crap, please let me know. I'd like to gently smack them back into reality. 

I think that maybe I should publish a monthly calendar for those of you (me) interested enough in my super-ego to keep track of my dailies. The ultra-relevant task of trying to "decide if I am going to leave the hot shower to retrieve the razor I've forgotten yet again or just leave the thicket of armpit hair alone" - that'll attract attention, right? How about the "place Swiffer duster towels on my feet because the Swiffer sweeper broke and swiff-walk around the living room" task? There's always the "clean up the sticky Maraschino cherry syrup and shards of glass that shot all over the kitchen floor when I dropped the cherry jar" task.

And, just like Martha, I too cleaned the window shades and blinds but she did it on Feb. 1, where I had that scheduled for March 13. Unlike Martha, I did not attend Fall Fashion Week or The Westminster Dog Show. Nor did I have a Today Show appearance, but that isn't to say I won't.

It's just not scheduled yet.

Oh, yes, Martha made a cake out of dog food on the Feb. 19, just in case you were wondering.