Dealing With Double Trouble

When I became pregnant with my second child, I fruitlessly searched for some practical resources on preparing for the transition from one child to two.  The only books I could find were marginally helpful.

Part of the problem was that much of what the books addressed were issues that arose before I was pregnant, such as deciding whether to have another child and how far to space them apart. Since we were well on our way to welcoming a second child, I needed practical tips, not family planning.

Along the way I discovered the probable reason for the dearth of resources on this topic:  the bottom line is there is not much you can do to prepare except know that it is completely different than the first time around.  Yet there are bits and pieces that are still the same (for instance, labor still remains excruciatingly painful).  With that in mind, this is my list of things I wish I had known going into the transition. 

This kid is gonna rock your world

And I don’t just mean in a good way. I found the transition from one to two challenging enough that I am not looking to repeat the experience. My oldest was three when my youngest was born and I think the spacing was perfect for us. However, this meant that my oldest was also relatively independent and capable. She could get in the car and buckle herself into the carseat. She could feed herself and take her dishes to the sink. She was potty trained.

I did not realize how good I had it until my second arrived and I was back in the world of endless diaper changes and feedings, lugging 15 lbs. of baby, carseat and diaper bag in and out of the car everywhere I went and generally living in a zombie-like state. It was harder than the first time around because the novelty had worn off, I had an active toddler to care for in addition to an needy infant and, like it or not, I was older (and less energetic).

Prepare your first child

Depending on the age of your oldest child, their reactions will range from an inability to recognize the baby as a living thing to adoptive parent. To try to increase my chances of the latter, I purchased a boy baby doll after we shared our good news with our daughter. 

She loved to practice feeding, diapering and tucking it into bed.  We also read several books to her about welcoming a new sibling into the family.  One of our favorites was “Baby On the Way”—partly because in it, mommy gets a foot rub.

Lastly, after the baby arrives, make sure to prepare your oldest before you sit down for nursing times. Get them a snack and/or drink, some toys or books (or TV—see below, “Resign Yourself to the Inevitable”) so that you can feed the baby uninterrupted.  Speaking of nursing, you may want to explain the process to your oldest. One day, I caught my daughter trying to “nurse” her baby brother because she was so fascinated, yet baffled, by the whole process.

Try to make any necessary transitions at least a couple months beforehand

If your first is nearly ready for potty training, do everything short of promising a pony to get the job done before the baby arrives.  Thinking about starting preschool, switching to a toddler bed, or moving?  If at all possible, try to time it so that it does not coincide, and thus, become associated with, the appearance of their new sibling.

Resign yourself to the inevitable

A few things you can be sure of:

• You will not feel like yourself for awhile. That is OK.  Do not expect to do the things you always did before because you will not be who you were before. 

• Your eldest will be watching a lot more TV than they used to (if you restrict their viewing in the first place).  That is OK.  Forget feeling guilty about it.  Why?  Because if you limited it in the first place, they are probably fine and because that is what it was invented for.

• Your firstborn will regress in some way for a little while—they might forget they were potty trained, not sleep as well as they used to or throw more tantrums than usual.  That is OK.  Just stay the course as much as possible and they will return when they have adjusted to the new transition.

Take care of yourself

After I had my first, I joined an exercise group that was a lifesaver.  With my second, we moved cross-country, so I did not have the energy or resources to do the same.  I wish I had because I think it would have forced me to take care of my needs more adequately.

I was fortunate enough to be able to start our daughter in preschool, although I wish we had done so a couple months before her brother arrived instead of afterwards.  It was well worth every penny to know that she was in a stimulating environment (not watching TV) while I cared for the baby and even caught an occasional nap while baby was sleeping. 

If you do not have the resources for preschool or daycare, try scheduling a weekly playdate for your oldest with a good friend.  With the shift in attention to the baby at home, it is important for them to have a place of their own.  When possible, ask your spouse to take them out to run errands or even go on a date.  Then, make sure you go on a date with your spouse.

Hopefully, my experience can help someone who is in the same boat that I was.  But do not count on me writing a follow up article sharing any tips about the transition from two to three children…