Discipline: Training Children for Life

“Never raise your hand to your kids.  It leaves your groin unprotected.”  ~Red Buttons

Discipline is misunderstood. It has become synonymous with punishment. However, there is an important distinction between the two. Punishment is about retaliation— “an eye for an eye”.

Discipline, however, is the polar opposite. If punishment is about retaliation, then discipline is about instruction. In the world of parenting, consider it life skills training.

Personally, I think punishment should generally be avoided because it is typically doled out in anger. The role of parent is a protective, not a punitive one. As parents, it is up to us to have the maturity to model and extend grace and forgiveness to our children, not to seek payback.

Discipline, however, is an absolute necessity when it comes to raising happy, healthy children. Children need to know that every decision in life is tied to consequences and it is our responsibility to guide them in learning how to make those decisions wisely. They need their parents to be parents, not buddies who shield them from consequences.  Sadly, this is a duty that is too often shirked today in the name of self-esteem and the “coolness” factor.

When my child makes a mistake, I try my best (because I make mistakes as well) to do the following:

• Check my anger at the door. If I am too hotheaded to discipline my child, I try to wait until I can separate my emotion from the situation.

• Discuss the wrongdoing. I focus on asking questions, instead of only lecturing them. I walk them through the sequence of events and help them understand where they went wrong and why.

• Choose a consequence, preferably one that is related to the infraction.  If necessary, enlist help.  When my daughter told her first big whopper, I was so upset, I had to step away for a few minutes. I vented to one of my best friends who helped me troubleshoot the situation and she came up with the perfect consequence: my daughter would have to confess to her teacher. It was ideal because she had lied to skip school, but she adored her teacher, so there was an inherent correlation, as well as deterrent to repeat the offense.

• Reassure them of your unconditional love, but remain firm in your conviction. As my daughter spent the night before confession day whimpering with dread, it took all my resolve not to let her off the hook. But now, when she chooses a hard truth over deception, I am glad I did not give in.

Starting early makes a difference. Early on, I was fortunate enough to observe a friend utilize timeout effectively with her three-year-old.  I was stunned as I watched him sit patiently on their couch until the timer rang. 

When I asked her, “How did you do that??” she informed me that she had started using the method when he was 18 months old. If he tried to get up and leave, she would just gently hold him in a “timeout hug” on her lap until they were done. It inspired me to believe that my kids could grow accustomed to consequences from a very young age, even if they were not yet developmentally ready to make the connection.

This topic inevitably leads to the question of spanking. My response?  It depends.  With our daughter, I believe we spanked her all of two times in her life, when she was very young and as a last resort.  Both times, I used a simplified form of the previous steps. After the second spanking, the mere threat was enough to get her attention.

Not surprisingly, our son was a completely different story. Sometime when he was three, timeouts became ineffective.  I tried spankings a number of times, but when a good friend asked, “So, is it working?” and I realized the answer was no (he would actually laugh or tell me it did not hurt), I stopped. 

I returned to timeouts, and to my relief, they somehow magically regained their efficacy.  However, to this day, I have always had to be more creative and consistent in my efforts to discipline my son than I have had to be with my daughter. 

As my children grow older, I do not know if my efforts will be as successful as they have in the past. I do know my strategies will have to change as they do. However, I am confident that if I hold fast to the belief that the goal of discipline is restoration, not retribution, I will be able to adapt to each new stage.