Entering the Matrix of Motherhood

There is nothing like watching the ignorant bliss of the first-time expectant mother. There is something so pure, so radiant, about a couple’s anticipation of their first child, it puts me and all my jaded mommy friends to shame. But entering parenthood is like entering The Matrix: you can either live in denial, or do the only responsible thing and swallow the bitter red pill of reality. 

Actually, you cannot live in denial for very long because the truth forces itself upon you pretty quickly, in the form of a screaming bundle of joy at 2 a.m. with a diaper full of meconium. So I share some of my mistakes as a first-time mom with expecting moms, not because I am a killjoy, but because I hope knowing them will help that pill go down just a little bit easier.

Mistake #1: Thinking that labor would be relatively easy if I just prepared enough for it.  There is a high probability that your labor will not go as planned. Get used to it—this is only the beginning of a loooong series of events that will not go as planned. That is the essence of parenting.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I drew up birth plans for a natural childbirth. About 17 hours into labor, I gave in and asked for the epidural, which ended up being more painful than anything that had preceded it. I likened it to having a corkscrew driven into my spine.

Not to be deterred (and hoping to avoid another epidural), I resolved to try again for a natural delivery with my second child. I succeeded and made an important discovery:  neither method is preferable.

I consider labor the hazing ritual of parenting. You can only join the club after passing the test.

Mistake #2:  Expecting everything to return to normal once we came home from the hospital with the baby. When I was pregnant, I daydreamed about life after the baby’s arrival. Essentially, I imagined life would be exactly the same as before, only with an adorable accessory. I could not have been more wrong.

The truth is, a baby is like a ticking time bomb. If you try to leave the house, you only have a short amount of time before it goes off—and screams bloody murder because you missed his sleep window. If you try to sleep, you only have a short amount of time before it goes off—and wakes because she’s hungry. After feeding, you have only a short amount of time before it goes off—and he begins wailing because of a giant diaper.

Shortly before I gave birth to my first, a mommy friend let me in on a terrible secret:  the first three months are hell. Consider this the second hazing ritual. The good news is that it slowly gets better after that.

Mistake #3: Not sleeping when the baby slept. I had always heard this advice, but did not heed it because I was amazed at how good I felt, considering the amount of sleep deprivation I was undergoing. But four months later, the postpartum blues hit me like a ton of bricks. By then, it was too late to take all the naps I should have taken while the baby was sleeping. 

This mistake is a corollary to Mistake #2. I thought that I could continue my usual pre-baby routine, but that required at least eight hours of sleep and periods of uninterrupted time. When I finally embraced the reality that those were relics of the past, I began taking better care of myself and my baby.

Mistake #4:  Buying every baby doodad known to man. I was susceptible to this blunder not only because of my new-parent enthusiasm, but because I had no experience on which to base my purchases. I learned two principles: 1) Just because it exists does not mean it should 2) Do not buy anything you can borrow!

Mistake #5: Thinking that all babies were like my baby. Sometimes I could not understand why my girlfriends could not get their kids to sleep, behave or pee like my daughter. I thought perhaps it was because they were not firm enough, loving enough or informed enough. Then I had my second child. 

In my hubris, I did not understand that no two children are alike and what may work for one, may not work for another. Even if they have the same parents.

Lastly, I did accidentally manage to do one thing right:  I found two fantastic books and one indispensable DVD with great advice and finished them before the baby arrived (and the sleep deprivation began). I clung to them after baby’s arrival like they were floating wreckage from the Titanic.  They were: 

1. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth.  This was my sleep Bible.  It is not the best writing, but the principles are absolute lifesavers.
2. Super Baby Food by Ruth Yaron.  I admit, I cheated and used Trader Joe’s organic canned purees.
3. The Happiest Baby on the Block (DVD) by Harvey Karp.  Watch the DVD, it is better and shorter than the book.