Full-Time Dad and Fine With It

“Men who change diapers, change the world. ”—a bumper sticker

My daughter has a friend whose father recently became a “stay-at-home-dad” (SAHD).  Jerry was a highly involved dad even before his job became one of the many casualties of the recession. When our girls were in preschool, I would often see him at drop-off, at special events and even volunteering in the classroom as a photographer or musician.  When his wife was the first to find a new job, he became the kids’ full-time caretaker and I wanted to know how the transition was going.

So we met for coffee, along with two of Jerry’s SAHD buddies, Robert and David, and they let me catch a glimpse into the world of a stay-at-home-dad. Here’s what I learned:

• Their world is not much different than mine. I was surprised to find they complained of the same things I did—mundane tasks, Sisyphean loads of laundry and constant reiteration of commands to unruly children. David likened it to a hamster running on its wheel (except I would like to point out that a hamster gets fed and its cage cleaned by someone else). This feeling was intensified by the ongoing battle to juggle personal to-do lists with housekeeping and finding enriching activities for the children.
• They were unprepared for the tedium of their new job. Like most SAHMs, they hated trying to answer the dreaded question, “So, what did you do today?” because they were discouraged by how intangible the results of their day’s labor was. Although I assured them this was normal, they expressed frustration at not having enough personal time to engage in activities that allowed them to feel they accomplished something.

• Their new job has a built-in chasm.  Although all the SAHMs they had met were friendly, the guys envied the camaraderie that seemed to come naturally to moms.  Besides the fact that SAHDs are few and far between, the gender gap creates a barrier that makes it awkward to approach mothers to initiate playdates for their children.
• Their new job creates a rift between their new life and old.  The guys discussed how difficult it had become to relate to some of their old friends and other working dads.  They missed connecting with coworkers and socializing with others who shared and understood their daily life experience. Like many stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs), they struggled to find a balance between meeting the needs of their home and family and taking care of their own.
• Their new job was not without perks. Previously, Robert used to work 12-15 hour days. Jerry and David used to spend countless hours in the daily commute. They all agreed the flipside of being annoyed by their kids more often was that they were around to enjoy them more often as well. Additionally, they found they had more “street cred” with their wives (and moms in general) because they could identify with them in a way that most men cannot. The role reversal has helped them appreciate their wives in a new way and vice versa.

As our discussion drew to a close, Jerry said, “This was really therapeutic,” and David asked, “Can we do this every month?” I chuckled to myself because I know the feeling well. I attribute my family’s wellbeing not to my extraordinary parenting skills, but to my precious cluster of mommy friends who are like the safety valve on a pressure cooker. Without them and their free therapy, I would be far more miserable, and my family as well.

Despite their essential nature, the opportunities for social and emotional are harder to find for stay-at-home-dads. But they are out there:

• Dr. Moz has a directory of SAHD clubs and resources.
• Daddyshome, Inc. is a national network with an online forum, and blog. 
• Rebel Dad has resources for starting your own SAHDs group. 
• There is even a convention just for SAHDs!

So, stay-at-home-dads, unite! Doing so will not only preserve your sanity, but will also make you a better dad and husband.