Learning Intentional Parenting

I have some friends that have a handmade poster, framed on their wall.  On this poster, they have inscribed five family values:

• Communication
• Relationships are more important than belongings
• Caring for others
• Family time
• God made us to have value as individuals, in our family, and in the world

Together, this family took some time to ask questions like “What is important to us?”, “How do we want to spend our lives together?” and “What do we want to communicate to each other and those around us?” and narrowed it down to these top five things. Each year they reexamine them to see if they are still consistent with their values and tweak them if needed.

What I love about this is not necessarily the values themselves (although the second one is my personal favorite), but that they have chosen to be intentional about their family life. 

In an era where most of us pack so much into our lives that we are like automatons, doing anything intentionally is rare.  From the time we get up in the morning and start the mindless process of getting ourselves and the kids out of the house until we collapse into bed exhausted at the end of the day, the daily grind usually leaves us with very little time or energy to be intentional about anything, except perhaps to fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV.

Recently, I had one of those universal parenting moments of ambivalent marvel at how much my youngest had grown.  How frequently I had heard from parents who went before me, “They grow up so fast!  In the blink of an eye, my baby grew up overnight…” and now their wistful laments have become my reality.

As I reflected upon my son’s fleeting childhood, I began realizing how little of the time I spent with my “babies” was intentional and how much of it was spent running errands or occupying them while I fulfilled my various robotic responsibilities. I’m humbled by the results of my quick calculations:  of the approximately 12-13 hours I may have with my son on a day when he is not at preschool, only about 30 minutes is truly intentional (at dinner when we talk about our day and a brief tuck-in routine at bedtime).  That is only 4 percent!!

It would be unrealistic (and a little neurotic, in my opinion) to attempt to be intentional about your children 100 percent of the time.  After all, there is something to be said for freedom and spontaneity.  But certainly, my 4 percent can and should be improved upon

This is why it is so vital to do what my friends above have done. If you decide what is important to you ahead of time and then incorporate those predetermined values into your life, your actions gain direction and purpose almost without even trying. It becomes an umbrella of intentionality that covers and guides you when you may not have the resources to be purposeful as you would like.

For instance, one of my parenting values is that character is more important than happiness. That guides a lot—probably most—of my decisions, even the instantaneous ones. It leads me to say the hard “no” with an eye on my children’s futures instead of settling for the easy “yes” that only gratifies right now.

Another is critical thinking, so often my conversations with my children involve asking them questions that require them to process and weigh options.  Instead of repeating instructions over and over, I try to ask, “What are you supposed to be doing now?” or I say, “Do you know why you were disciplined?” instead of just telling them not to repeat an offense.

This brings me to another parenting value of mine:  strive for discipline, not punishment. The difference between the two is that the end goal of punishment is about retribution, or extracting payment for a misdeed, whereas the end goal of discipline is about restoration and teaching what is right and wrong.

What helped me refine these values are four key questions I was taught to ask.  I discovered them at a parenting seminar I went to long ago (and whose speaker I have long forgotten the name of, for which I apologize).  They are:

• What are five qualities you would like to create in your child?
• How can you model those qualities in your own life?
• What are five qualities you are creating in your child that you would like to change?
• What are five qualities you are creating in your child that you are happy with?

This summer, I hope to increase my intentional time with my children.  I feel better, though, knowing that, by establishing these values beforehand, all my interactions with them are seasoned with a little intentionality.