The Art of Negotiation

I remember the time my son, who was three at the time, got in his first “argument” with his best friend of the same age. It had started to drizzle and the rain was misting on the window on my son’s side of the car. On the opposite side of the car, where his best friend was sitting, it was dry because the drizzle was blocked by my son’s side of the car. The debate went something like this:

Son: “It’s raining.”

BF: “No it’s not.”

Son: “Yes it is, I see it.”

BF: “No it’s not, I don’t see any.”

Son: “Yes it is.”

BF: “No it’s not.”

Son: “Yes it is.”

[Repeat for the next several minutes]

I realized that what I was witnessing was my son’s first attempt at negotiation. Since the two boys were equally matched in their lack of skill, the debate went on for quite awhile and there was no clear winner.

The combination of natural development and the inevitable influence of his big sister have resulted in more advanced negotiations such as this:

Me: You need to finish your dinner before you have dessert.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Do you want dessert?

Son: Yes.

Me: Then eat the rest of your dinner.

Son: (Calling my bluff) OK, I don’t want dessert.

Me: (Calling his bluff) OK, that’s good because you don’t need dessert.

Son: (Realizing that his original strategy bring about the desired result) How about one more bite?

Me: Three.

Son: Four (temporarily forgetting his math skills).

Me: OK.

As a parent, daily life is essentially an endless chain of negotiations. When they are little, it starts with negotiating potty stops, food intake, menu selection and bedtimes. In the blink of an eye, those evolve into disputes over curfews, date choices and cell phone usage.

Once kids discover the power of bargaining, they never let it go. Who can blame them? As any adult knows, freedom—even the tiniest shred of it—can be exhilarating, especially when it is hard won.

For me, the challenge in the midst of the constant negotiating is finding a balance between teaching my children how to think critically for themselves and teaching them why and when they should respect authority. 

I feel it is important that my kids learn how to stand up for themselves and what they believe is right.  They can only do so if my husband and I teach them the ability to think through what they believe and articulate why they believe what they do. If we squelch them every time they attempt to make a case for what they want, we deprive them of the opportunities to develop these crucial skills.

On the other hand, sometimes I just need my kids not to argue with me. There are times when it is trivial, such as when we are running late for an appointment and they refuse to turn the TV off (or, more honestly, when I just need a break).

Then there are more critical times, such as when I order them out of the street because a car is coming. It can be tricky helping them to identify the times when it is appropriate to break out their courtroom skills and when it is time to just go with the flow.

These skills are also important in achieving the goal of true negotiation: finding a win-win situation for all parties involved. This is an important lesson for my children that I often neglect because I am in a rush to accomplish my goals.

Instead of putting forth the effort to find a compromise that might satisfy both of us, I default to my authority as a parent and the classic line that every parent swears they were never going to use, “Because I said so.”

These are just some of the issues I wrestle with as I attempt to navigate the constant negotiations that comprise my life. There are days when I wish I could temporarily wave a magic wand and transform my children into darling, affectionate and compliant robots (do you remember the 80’s TV show, “Small Wonder”?)

However, deep in my heart, I know that is not what I want. I just want an easier way to teach my children the skills I know they should have. As we all know, anything worth having is worth working for. Perhaps I should try negotiating a pay raise instead.