The Secret Battle Within: Dealing With Postpartum Depression

Something nobody warned me about motherhood was that my body would never be the same.  I will not go into details here, because a) I imagine you want to keep your appetite and b) you would never be able to speak to me and maintain eye contact again.  But if you have ever given birth, you know what I am talking about.

The most drastic changes, however, extended beyond the physical.  It all started after the birth of my first child, when the “baby blues” paralyzed me after an unexpected four months.  I had braced myself for postpartum depression immediately after the birth but did not experience any symptoms until months of sleep deprivation caught up with me.

Previous to this incident, I could not fathom how mothers could hurt their own children.  Now, I understand it a bit more. I can envision how things could go horribly awry when sleep deprivation and hormonal chaos are combined with a lack of support. I might have been a tragic news story had I not been fortunate enough to have family and friends who helped me when I was on the verge of breaking down. 

After the birth of my second child, I developed what I called post-menstrual syndrome, instead of premenstrual syndrome. For two weeks after my cycle, I would get so depressed, at times I even had suicidal thoughts. Also, for a couple days every month, I found if my husband did something to trigger my anger, my fury was so disproportionate to his actions, half the time I started thinking about divorce.

It took me almost two years to recognize that this was a pattern. I just knew I was not myself and that I was miserable. When I discovered that it was cyclical, it was like the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Suddenly, there was hope—there was a reason for what I was experiencing and it was not because I was crazy (or my husband was the devil).

I am convinced that this is an epidemic. I have had countless conversations in the last year with women who have shared similar ordeals. One confided she suddenly and inexplicably found her attractive husband repulsive. Another was appalled at how frequently she felt intense rage. Yet another was at a brunch when one mother confessed she was struggling so badly, she thought she might need antidepressants. Within minutes, six other women had gathered around her and admitted that they had been wrestling with the same thoughts.

All of these women looked competent and confident on the outside and yet were suffering extreme anguish on a regular basis. The repeated cry was, “I just don’t feel like myself—this isn’t me!”

Men may roll their eyes and crack jokes about women’s hormones, but this issue is ravaging women’s self-esteem, impeding their ability to enjoy or even cope with life and their children.  The effects of hormonal changes are devastating not only to women, but to their families as well.

For instance, studies show that infidelity in women can be linked to ovulation.  Imagine what happens when women who are not aware of this fact interpret an attraction to someone other than their spouse as “love” instead of a temporary hormonal state. If they choose to follow through on feelings, it could lead to a permanent rift that has enduring effects on their children (as discussed in ).

Studies also show the mental health of mothers impact the mental health of their children. Depression in children is often linked to depression in their mothers because the mothers cannot provide the nurture and attachment that is crucial for a child’s healthy development.  It is not surprising that one of the most successful treatments for pediatric depression is successful treatment of maternal depression.

Although there is a growing awareness of postpartum depression and its life-threatening consequences, what has not been as widely discussed is postpartum anxiety. An eye-opening article titled, “Living on the Edge”, by Kate Rope, reveals women are even more likely to suffer after childbirth from anxiety disorders than from depression. 

To further complicate matters, as many women are postponing childbirth, age-associated hormonal changes begin to be a factor. I went to a counselor who suggested the possibility that some of my symptoms might be brought on by early menopause.  After my initial offense (I was only 38!), I was shocked to learn that the path to menopause could stretch over a decade.

After testing, it was determined this was not the case for me, but this journey has made me more aware of the powerful impact hormones can have.  More importantly, I was astonished at how uninformed we are as women and society as a whole about this topic. For so long, I thought I was abnormal and alone.  It is my hope that I can spare others that agony. For more information, try these resources:

• Dr. Yen Lai, M.D., of Renovi Center for Integrative Medicine in Glendora will be speaking on “PMS and Menopause” this Friday, June 10 at 7 p.m.  Call 909-971-9888 to RSVP.
• Postpartum Support International is an outstanding website with information on postpartum mood disorders.  Even better, their network page shows there is a local coordinator right here in Glendora.
• The PBS TV show, “This Emotional Life” has a website dedicated to several mental health topics including postpartum mood disorders.
• After her own heart-wrenching battle with postpartum anxiety, Kate Stone started Postpartum Progress, now the most widely-read blog on postpartum depression in the U.S.