What are Fathers For?

"Most American children suffer too much mother and too little father."  ~Gloria Steinem, New York Times,  August 26, 1971

A new book, “Man Down”, has now apparently proven that women are better than men at many, if not most, things. Most moms already know that mothering is a round-the-clock occupation that requires massive multitasking skills, so it is not surprising to hear we excel in so many areas (including wine and beer-tasting, apparently—go figure). So then, why do we need men?

Well, besides dominating in parking and non-endurance sports, there is another significant way men are superior to women: they are better dads. This is in no way a commentary on single moms or same-sex couples. My point is that evidence is piling up in favor of the indisputable importance of dads. 

Women are regularly encouraged to pursue careers outside the home, but men are rarely encouraged to stay home to raise children. One obvious reason for this is the discrepancy between what men and women tend to earn.  But in the past, sending the men off to be a breadwinner somehow turned into a hall pass for many to skip out on parenting duties. One friend, when asked how he raised his kids, half-joked: “Benign neglect.” 

Things have improved—research shows that fathers’ time with children has increased as mothers have joined the workforce. Yet studies show that women who are working outside the home somehow seem to end up shouldering most of the domestic burden in addition to their role as wage earner.

What this says to me is that not only are working mothers exhausted, but that somehow we as a culture have neglected to effectively communicate to men how absolutely essential they are to the fabric of a family, especially in the life of a child. Many women may complain that they would love for their husbands to be more involved and present at home, but wild horses could not drag them into it, even if those wild horses were bathed in bacon and the house was transformed into a giant man-cave. Perhaps that is because for quite awhile now, our culture has been attacking manhood in order to give women the opportunities they deserve.

By manhood, I do not mean the stereotypical beer-belching, video-game-playing, sports-fanatical behavior often attributed to men—I mean something deeper. I am talking about the core essence of a male identity that has gone missing. As gender roles have morphed, women have preached and proven their self-sufficiency. The end result is that we have implied (and sometimes stated) that men are no longer wanted or needed and that their contributions, outside of sperm and salary, are no longer desirable.

Political correctness, at least in the U.S., no longer allows men to be proud to be men.  Why then, should we expect them to be proud to be dads?

I am well aware we owe an unpayable debt to the women who went before us and sacrificed in order to gain us a more equal footing in the world.  But I cannot help but wonder if it is time for us as a culture to admit we may have gone too far in our quest for equality. Or maybe we have not gone far enough—we must move past the gender bashing and acknowledge that both men and women bring things to the table that all of us need.  Men are not the enemy.  If anything, more than ever, we need them as partners on the home front if we want to truly give our children the best they want and need. 

Becoming a parent has taught me two things: a greater appreciation for single parents and a greater appreciation for dads. The first has come as I realize that I cannot clone myself and the second has come as I realize that I would not want to. The father of my children gives them something that I cannot, and for that, I owe another unpayable debt. Why wait for Father’s Day to roll around one day a year to recognize that gift?  It is something to be grateful for each and every day.