The Ironman: A Race to Retch

As someone who has reported on the controversy of Hermosa Beach's annual Ironman competition, I made the genius decision — or not — to participate in the event myself on Sunday.  "What better way to get the full story than to drop myself right into the heart of it," I thought. 

The Ironman competition includes running a mile, paddling a surfboard one mile, and then drinking a six-pack of beer. I've competed in multiple triathlons and other endurance competitions. But this was as hard, if not harder, than all of them.  Particularly, the race's finish.

Here's a recap of my thoughts, before, during and after the event (all times are approximate, especially toward the end):

9:05 a.m.: I arrive at 29th Street, where a lot of people are gathering, as well as police.  Where are we supposed to stash our beer? 

9:14: Apparently, I was supposed to use my number to find a judge.  They have actual judges for this?  It's even more serious than I thought. 

9:22: The judge tells us that the race will commence in a few minutes. 

9:30:  The crowd and competitors all start singing the national anthem.

9:32 a.m.: Read, Set, Go! We start running the first leg of the race, and the pace is furious. The competitors are frantic.  I feel like I'm in Chariots of Fire, during the beach running scene with the rad orchestra music.

9:35 a.m.: At this pace I feel like the mile should be over.  My lungs and legs are both on fire (a la Chariots).  Who is leading this run anyway, Steve Prefontaine?

9:36: Thank God we start turning around to head back for our boards. 

9:38 : I've never wished the beach were smaller. My board is all the way up the Strand. This hurts. 

9:41: I start paddling out with hundreds of fellow Ironmen.

9:42: My shoulders begin to burn. I can't feel my neck. I wonder if my chiropractor is open tomorrow. 

9:43: They are just kidding about paddling a mile right?

9:47: People are already turning around--mutants, I'm convinced. 

9:52: I get to turn around. So much joy.

9:53: Wait, I still have to paddle another half mile? Kill me.

10: The tents and crowd come into view.

10:03: The beer drinking begins. The first beer is smooth as silk.  How hard can the next five be?

10:04: There's still beer in this second can.  I feel the physiological reaction to all of the exertion I just completed. I might be in trouble.

10:06: Someone gets sick next to me.

10:08: Third beer down. I know I won't make it through my six pack without losing my breakfast. 

10:12: I notice that there are a lot of media people filming and photographing the upchucking.  Who's going to want to watch that footage?

10:15:  I vomit and thus become an official Ironman competitor. 

10:23: The fifth beer won't go down without a serious fight. 

10:27: Good news: I finished number five. Bad news: I still have number six.

10:32: Success! I drain the final beer and don't get sick again.

10:41: I can't believe I participated in the absolute insanity of the Ironman, but I had the time of my life.