Politics & Government
Mexican Official Reiterates Mexico Will Not Pay for Border Wall
A satirical look at current events!
Mexican Official Reiterates Mexico Will Not Pay for Border Wall: The Mexican secretary of finance reiterated that Mexico emphatically and categorically will not pay for the construction of a wall along the border with the United States that Mr Trump is proposing. In all due respect, I beg to differ with him. If Trump does become president, you bet Mexico will build the wall. How else are they gonna be able to stop the millions of desperate Americans trying to flee the United States?
Caitlyn Jenner Wants to Be Ted Cruz’s Trans Ambassador: In a recent interview, 66-year-old staunch Republican Caitlyn Jenner is once again facing criticism after stating that she’d love to be anti-LGBT rights candidate Ted Cruz's "trans ambassador.” Thusly proving that its actually easier for someone to change their gender than it is to change a "dumb jock" mentality. Makes you wonder if an endorsement as unlikely as this can happen, could trans fat support for Chris Christie be far behind?
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Sheepdog Gives Birth To Record-Breaking 17 Puppies: A proud Maremma sheepdog in Northern California named Stella has given birth to 17 puppies, which experts say may be the largest litter of puppies ever recorded in the state. Sounds like maybe a sheepdog version of Stanley Kowalski must have gotten to poor Stella. Hell, this puts Octomom to shame. My question is, who’s been watching the sheep while this dog was out horsing around?
Syphilis Outbreak Plaguing Las Vegas: Officials in Clark County, Nevada have issued an official warning about a serious syphilis outbreak after confirming 694 new cases of the sexually transmitted infection in the Las Vegas area. Wow, I don’t recall them mentioning this in the brochure! Sounds like what happens in Vegas may not stay in Vegas after all. If the trend continues, city officials say they’ll have to rename the place - Syphilis City. And while syphilis is curable, its is nothing to clap about. Poor, poor Las Vegas. First they have a Trump rally, and now this.
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Study Finds Pessimists May Live Longer: A group of German researchers found that, compared with people who have a sunnier outlook, older people who are pessimistic tend to live longer, healthier lives. Not surprisingly, when asked if they felt the study had any credence, most pessimists said “I seriously doubt it.”
Trump Assures Americans His Small Hands Mean Nothing: In response to numerous jokes circulating about the size of his hands, Donald Trump assured the American people that he is not lacking in the endowment department. Because what’s important to Americans in 2016 is insuring we elect a president with a large penis. That said, no matter who gets elected - we’re all gonna get screwed anyway - so I suppose we might as well make it memorable.
NASA Mission to Drag Asteroid to the Moon: Researchers in California have confirmed that NASA is considering a mission to capture an asteroid and drag it into the moon's orbit for study. After which, the asteroid would then need to be reclassified as an “asteroid in drag.”
Woman Uses Power Saw on Sleeping Husband: Police say an Everett, Wash. woman stands accused of cutting her sleeping husband's neck and shoulder with a power saw. The wife told police her husband was sawing logs and - being a dutiful wife, she thought she’d grab a saw and help him out.
Trump Draws Criticism Over David Duke Endorsement: Republican front-runner Donald Trump drew sharp criticism from his rivals in both parties after initially refusing to denounce an endorsement from former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke, who told listeners to his radio show that ‘voting against Donald Trump is treason to your heritage.” Yea, well I guess that would more or less depend upon how much trailer parks are part of your heritage.
Drug Gang Guards Stash With Live Crocodiles: Police in Amsterdam have arrested 11 suspected drug-dealers who assigned the task of guarding their loot to unusually ferocious guards - a pair of fully-grown crocodiles. Sounds like someone’s been watching too many Austin Powers movies. Some say this might constitute animal cruelty if the poor crocs get hooked on drug addicts. Now if its marijuana these dealers are selling, I assume it would be sold as “croc-pot.” Police say they’re confident these arrests will help take the bite out of crime.
Tennessee Declares .50 Cal Barrett M82 Rifle Official State Firearm: In an overwhelming vote, the state of Tennessee has voted to declare the massive .50 Cal Barrett M82 Rifle, a weapon so powerful it can easily down a commercial aircraft, as its official state firearm. Brilliant idea, no home should be without one. Sounds like the perfect way to settle disputes with your neighbors. Think of it this way, once we outlaw guns that can shoot down commercial aircraft, then only criminals will get to shoot down commercial aircraft.
Trump Gets Huge NASCAR Backing: Donald Trump has received the backing of some of NASCAR's biggest names on the eve of the Super Tuesday contests, with appearances by NASCAR CEO Brian France as well as a host of current and former drivers. On the other hand, I suppose its not all that surprising that a bunch of guys who earn a living driving around in circles would be impressed by Trump.
