CSI: Laguna Beach—Stinky People! Naked Dancers! And What's Jesus Doing in Dana Point?

We're back, after several weeks of following the Charlie Sheen tour around the country! All reports taken from the public log available in the Laguna Beach Police Department, and slightly enhanced to achieve maximum snark capacity ...

SUNDAY, MARCH 20:

3:59 p.m. Patrol check at the ! The doors are open, the fireplace is lit, and it’s all very inviting … but where is everybody? No customers! No waitstaff! Is this how the Rapture begins, right here on Coast Highway? Maybe. Or not, since the joint’s hours are 7 a.m.-3 p.m. with a two-hour closure time until dinner service starts at 5 p.m., and somebody apparently forgot to lock the front door to prevent just this sort of thing from happening.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23:

11:28 a.m. Medical emergency at the Broadway bus depot, as a passenger is having trouble breathing. That’s the initial call, anyway, but after a quick check with the OCTA, the truth is revealed: the passenger couldn’t breathe because another passenger smelled really, really bad.

12:56 p.m. At La Casa del Camino Hotel, famously infamous and quite dead Who drummer Keith Moon has been reincarnated in the form of a loose cat that’s managed to cause $5,000 worth of damage to one of the rooms. If felines had opposable thumbs, we’re pretty sure at least one TV would’ve taken flight out a balcony window.

THURSDAY, MARCH 24:

7:57 a.m. On Vista del Sol Street, someone calls 911 as a test to see if their phone is working properly. Ummm … yeah, it is, and you can use it again to ask for a credit line increase after you pay the fine for making lame 911 calls.

1:09 p.m. Sweet. Another Charlie Sheen sighting in Laguna! And this time, he’s in bad drag over at the Broadway bus depot, with dirty blonde hair and modeling a stylish blue tank top and burgundy-colored (colored, not scented) sweat pants. Oh, and he’s also flashing people, pulling his top up and his bottoms down—which actually sort of sounds like a Pageant of the Masters rehearsal.

FRIDAY, MARCH 25:

8:34 a.m. For the third time this morning, someone’s calling to complain about the female transient who’s pushing a large cart southbound in the northbound lanes of Coast Highway. Public Works arrives to help transport her and her stuff someplace where she won’t be impeding traffic, but she refuses all offers of help and is intent on heading south because “Jesus is telling her to go to Dana Point.” So maybe we were right earlier—maybe this is where the End Times will begin: In Dana Point Harbor, with fat, drunken, fiftyish men and their barely-legal wives partying aboard a yacht named Horny Toad.

SATURDAY, MARCH 26:

3:26 p.m. Pedestrian stop near Aliso Beach. The details are pretty boring, but there is this nugget, in which someone calls the cop a “gutterscum sympathizer,” which is all kinds of awesome, and gives us the new name of our parallel-universe-only Norwegian black metal band.

SUNDAY, MARCH 27:

11:11 a.m. Patrol check at , as a large white male is reported to be soliciting political stuff, and by “political,” we mean that he’s going up to folks and claiming to represent the I LIKE WOMEN party and asking folks about their living habits and conditions. The cops eventually arrive and shoo Mr. Gingrich away.

MONDAY, MARCH 28:

9:50 a.m. You might think that working in a bank is glamorous. Or not. But here’s what the wage slaves at the on Glenneyre had to deal with this morning: two male transients, one in a wheelchair, going in and out the front door and being belligerent to customers and employees, until this performance art piece’s final scene when the wheelchair dude’s feces begins spilling onto the floor. We assume Mr. Gingrich was this time able to roll himself away before authorities arrived.

TUESDAY, MARCH 29:

3 p.m. A resident of Skyline Drive calls in to report that two skateboarders [cue dark, foreboding, threatening, scary-monster music!] just went past her living room window! AUUUGGGHHH!!! Maybe next time she’ll have her shotgun cocked and loaded!

SATURDAY, APRIL 2:

9:12 a.m. On Magnolia Drive, someone reports that their Honda Civic has been vandalized, with the words “BIG [insert nickname of former President Richard Nixon here, which we really shouldn’t say on this family-oriented website, but you’re smart and you can probably figure it out]” written out in a lovely shade of red lipstick. We couldn’t help but wonder, though—is this an insult, or a compliment?

THURSDAY, APRIL 7:

3:56 a.m. A 911 call to the South Laguna , where a woman is being way, way too much of a good citizen (or in need of way, way too much attention) by reporting that a car parked in front of the restaurant has its lights on.

SUNDAY, APRIL 10:

9:45 a.m. A caller on Virginia Way phones in to complain that he was awakened by the obnoxious HUUUUUUURRRRR coming from a leaf blower. On closer inspection, turns out the “leaf blower” is just some guy running a vacuum cleaner in his backyard. Vacuum cleaners are—so far—still legal in Laguna Beach. Until some darn kids start riding them down the hills, anyway …

3:42 p.m. Disturbance on Forest Avenue, as a homeless man is sitting on a crate with a guitar and singing very loudly, refusing to leave. That’s not the main point of annoyance, though, according to the caller, who says that the dude only knows three songs and “he can’t sing any of them well.”

8:41 p.m. Some guy is dancing naked in front of a restaurant window (we’re not certain which restaurant this is, though, from the report). The owner phones this in, but … why? Your business can’t possibly get better (ahem!) exposure than a dancing naked guy, especially if you employ some strategically-placed body paint. It’d be a lot more interesting than one of those sign-spinners, anyway …