Being a mother to three young adults, I sometimes wonder if I haven't totally screwed this thing up - if I have failed my son and two daughters in my parenting style. I have raised my children with all the love and support I received when I was growing up (which was lots), however, when it came to rules, well my husband and I have been pretty laissez faire in that regard. Here are some of the rules I was raised with while growing up in Hawaii:
1. You are not allowed to eat anything from the time you get home from school until dinner.
2. You must be home by curfew - 11:00 p.m. on weeknights, 12:00 a.m. on weekends.
3. You must attend church every Sunday, including Holy Days, no exceptions whatsoever.
4. You need to weed the mondo grass for an hour every weekend.
5. You will not have sex until you are married.
For our own children, my husband and I have just a few rules. They are:
1. Do not EVER drink and drive.
2. Manage your mung (read, clean up your mess).
3. Do the right thing (you know what that is).
4. Don't be a jerk (be cool).
I think a large part of successful parenting is making sure your children receive all of life's little "memos" to gain an understanding of how things work, preferred courses of action and expected consequences in the event one deviates from the memo. I prefer the distribution of memos over rules any day.
There's a scene in one of my all-time favorite movies, Office Space, where the main character, Peter Gibbons, a software engineer at a dead-end job, is being asked whether he got the memo about a new internal work procedure. Peter, in fact, did get the memo but his bosses continue to ask him, "Did you get the memo?"
Since that film's release, that scene has replayed in our household on numerous occasions. It was a challenge to ensure my children had all the memos as they embarked into adulthood. Here are some memos they apparently didn't get:
1. When you have a job that you intend to quit, you don't just walk up to your manager, tell him you're quitting, get in your car and drive away. You must give them at least two week's notice.
2. For every drink of alcohol you consume you MUST chase it with a full glass of water unless you actually want to spend the night in the hospital. And oh, by the way, you're paying for that hospital bill.
3. In the first couple of weeks of a school semester, you can actually DROP the class if you don't like it. Or you can stay in the class, bag on the homework and get a stinky grade that tanks your GPA.
4. When you decide to throw a raging party at the house when the parents are out of town, be sure to cover all your tracks. Pick up stray beer caps on the guest bedroom floor. Remove the cigarette butts from the Weber. Remove the unused condoms from my closet.
Even with all these memos, ultimately what I want is my children to become compassionate critical thinkers who are aware of their impact on others and on the environment. If I can get them to that place, I guess I haven't totally screwed up. Stay tuned.
